Spring

Something happens to my brain in the Spring. Autumn slowly lulls it to sleep, and Winter seals the door up on my igloo. But when the warm breeze cyclones in to town and lifts my eyelids, it's as if I remember all at once that there is an entire world outside my chamber. I am overcome with the desire to bolt out into the open air and not stop running until I have found the end of known things. 

The Way of the Artist

I no longer believe that my soul is supposed to die and never again interfere with the progress of the spirit. Surely it, too, is to be redeemed. And if it is, then I will require one who can understand it. Who knows, without me having to say it. Who is seeing the world in his own artistic way. I do not want to cope with the loneliness of being misunderstood. I would rather be content to be understood well, even if it is only by the Lord.

Take Up Your Cross, But Leave Your Nets...

For some people who decide to follow Jesus, it is an easy and natural transition from who they were to who they are now. They were a guitar player in a bar band, and now they play their guitar to the glory of God. Done. 

But for others it is very difficult to extract the good from the old, and leave the bad there to rot. What if your old identity was a stumbling block to you? What if the world you lived in contributed to your slavery and demise? What then can you do but run screaming in the other direction and never go back to pick up the pieces?

I have wondered this for years now. I have wondered why, for some people, giving their life to Christ is like a good idea that no one had ever suggested before, and with great ease they hand Him everything they are already carrying and watch Him make it new. And for other people surrendering to Christ was more like wrestling a thrashing dragon to the ground and after a long fight, slaying him and leaving his carcass behind. That's what if was/is like for me. The flesh within me is so strong, and took so much energy to subdue, that to step back into any measure of the old life - even to minister within it - would awaken it once again. 

What then, shall I do? Leave it all behind and chalk it up to a totally wasted part of my life? Or hope that someday, in some way, God will redeem a part of my life that has, until now, been a dead and decaying dragon somewhere behind me on the path to life?

Wholly Bright

God likes to do new things in our lives. He is always telling us to quit dwelling in the past. To forget the former things and behold the new things He is doing. But in order to see what the Lord is drawing you into, your eyes must be fixed upon it, with no backward glances to the old.

"Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is full of light, but when it is bad, your body is full of darkness. Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright, as when a lamp with its rays gives you light.” Luke 11:34-36

Oh, that my eyes would be filled with light, wholly bright, and unable to see the darkness.

Spring

It's January. It's supposed to be cold. The air quick and unforgiving as it pierces through every layer. The sky bleak with rainless clouds, and empty, save for the birds fleeing to better lands. Silent nights indicating the total absence of all living things that could stir. Hopeless mornings and thoughtful nights. Solitude.

But today the weather was warm and muggy. Occasional raindrops fell from the sky. The sun broke through the trees and cast a lovely ray on my Jeep. I did not need a jacket. I turned my fire off and the air conditioner on. The Easter candy is out already, which means my favorite candy is available. And to top it all off, I pulled into my driveway this afternoon and saw a bright yellow spot by the tree in the yard. It was my favorite flower - a daffodil - that had burst forth from the icy ground in a state of confusion. I don't think a daffodil has ever bloomed this early since the dawn of time. And they make me happy in a way that I cannot really explain. It is too deep.

But if there's one thing you won't find me complaining about, it's that Spring has come too early. Because I know that cruel February is coming. And I shall cherish this day and keep it close to my heart, to feast upon in that darkest time.

The Soul and the Spirit and the Songs in Between

My spirit belongs to the Spirit. 

There is no tension and no war.

For it was dead before He found her

And she will never leave my Lord.

My spirit's longing is unswerving

Seeking solely after Life

The lure of death has no pow'r

And faint is the Siren Strife.

I sleep in warmth and safety

When I fall asleep in You

My soul is tamed and docile

I rest til morning dew.

But when I find my diet

Thinned out of heavenly food

My soul will feast on earthly things

My spirit be subdued.

And soul, she is a whirlwind

Unbridled is her heart

If left alone her feelings

Will crush us all apart.

Her appetitie is endless

She can't be satisfied

She'll drink the poisonous music

Til we're drowning in high tide.

She'll grow until she trumps us 

By her power and her weight

From under her poor governing

One can scarce escape.

The nights she gives are restless

Marked by an anxious head

Longing, striving rule me

Til dawn will reach my bed.

I gave myself to Jesus.

I rendered Him my soul.

I do not want to rule me.

I perish in control.

So do not lose your focus

Do not forsake your quest

You must build up your spirit, 

Starve your soul, for this is best.

Can't Help Myself

I confess the things I am afraid of:

Thorns and danger just around the bend

I pray for tongues of fire and bands of angels

To come and circle ‘round me like a fence

I lift my eyes to the hills,

where comes my help?

I lift my hands, empty hands

I can’t help myself, can’t help myself

No, I can’t help myself.

My enemies surround me like an army

Within, without the battles raging on

I pray the Spirit would be strong and mighty

For courage through the night until the dawn

I lift my eyes to the hills,

where comes my help?

I lift my hands, empty hands

I can’t help myself, can’t help myself

No, I can’t help myself.

Oh trust the Lord, my soul and all that is in me

Oh trust the light to show my darkest parts

With wounds of truth and love, a friend who has known me

A fool would keep his secrets in his heart

I lift my eyes to the hills,

where comes my help?

I lift my hands, empty hands

I can’t help myself, can’t help myself

No, I can’t help myself.

Fear and Love (and the Past 2 Weeks)

The more I live, the more I believe that there are really only two forces in the world - love and fear. Both of them serve as the motivation for everything we do. In very strong doses, they can each motivate us to incredible lengths - to actions others would most certainly deem insane.

I have lived out of fear for so many years. Even my hunger for the Lord paid homage to the fear of life without Him. A couple weeks ago God started speaking to me about fear, and telling me that I was never meant to live in it. I asked Him what I was afraid of, and He told me one thing. He said that was the last thing, and once I broke it, everything would change. 

So now, on the other side of it, I feel so strange. I feel disconnected and unfocused. There has always been a gnawing in me, and like hunger pains keep our attention on food, that gnawing kept me focused on the Lord. And now it's gone. I've been so puzzled these past two weeks. Extraordinary things have been happening. And things that should devastate do not. It leaves me so confused about how I'm doing, and whether or not I'm on the right track.

I'm certainly not going to complain about not being devastated. I've just been wondering if it's ok to be ok. I keep asking the Lord about it, saying "if that gnawing isn't going to motivate me toward You, then what is?" The only answer I could come up with was self-discipline. And I knew at once that answer was the WRONG one, because our walk with God was never meant to be born from or maintained by discipline or the law. It was always meant to be a love affair - the kind where you're so smitten you can't even eat or sleep without always thinking of Him. And so, the answer to my question is obvious, or should've been anyway, but it took some reminding for me:

Love. 

Where fear once motivated, love must now take the reigns. It's a strange shift. I feel as if I've always driven everywhere, and all of a sudden I have wings, and I'm trying to figure out how to fly.

The Strongest Heart

I will cover you in golden light,

Pour over you melted understanding,

Fill you up to the measure with droplets

That each sing a joyful little song about you,

And set you like a paper boat down a quiet stream,

That leads to your astonishing destiny.

I am dying to.

Friday Night Visions

I saw myself kneeling before the cross. Nothing else was around - it was a barren hilltop, and there was nothing to see if any direction except me and the cross. I was holding a wedding dress in my hands, that signified every dream I've ever had for my life - everything I've ever imagined my life would be like. All my hopes for marriage, children, important work on this earth, healthy relationships, a secure home - EVERYTHING. I leaned forward and took a giant nail and nailed the dress up onto the cross. As soon as i leaned back, that clean, white dress started turning bloody and dirty and gross - like it had been something alive that I just killed, and it was decaying. I was horrified at something that precious to me turning into something so revolting. And then suddenly my viewpoint shifted, and I was looking down at myself and the cross from an aerial view. And I saw the enormous presence of the Lord swoop down and wrap all around me, like a mother would when her child was in great pain. And I realized that although it was God who asked me to sacrifice those dreams and nail them to the cross, He was still very concerned about how hard it was for me, and He was compassionate toward me. His presence brought me to my feet, and started swirling around me, and then I saw that I was wearing a bridal gown made of light. It was so bright and glowing, and beautiful. The dress I had nailed up was so precious to me, and I was broken over seeing it destroyed, but the Lord had a better dress in mind - one that is not even made of earthly substance, and cannot be destroyed or removed from me.

The Post Office

I go to the post office a lot, because I sell a lot of things online. But today I had to go to a different one, and it was really crowded. There were a lot of people in line, and when I walked in and saw them all, I thought about how much God loved each of them. They were all so different. There was this frizzy-haired new mommy holding her brand new baby girl in a big fleece blanket. Behind her was a thin black woman who was extremely interested in the baby (and this baby was NOT cute). Behind her was a young Indian woman who looked like she must be in med school somewhere. She was completely engrossed in her iPhone, and not at all interested in the baby conversation going on around her. Behind her was a man with a protruding beer belly, wearing an Alabama hat and Christmas t-shirt. He was excessively talkative, and tried to converse with everyone in line. He was also quite offensive. He asked the woman holding the baby if she had any others, and she said "no, she's an only - for now anyway." He said "well, you better get to work on that second one...if you've only got one child and it's a girl, you don't count as a parent yet." I couldn't believe he said it right there in the post office - I wanted to go cover that ugly baby's little ears. 

When that conversation didn't yield any fruit, he moved on to try and strike a conversation with a much more likely individual - the tall, lanky guy behind him, who was also wearing Alabama paraphernalia. The pot-bellied man started re-capping the ALvLSU game and explaining, in detail, where Alabama's team had gone wrong. He rattled off about how "the only way to beat that team" is to blahblahblahblah... "but they don't let me call the plays." The lanky man wouldn't make eye contact and just occasionally grunted and nodded so as not to be totally rude. I knew there were probably a lot of men out there having identical conversations, but I still found it hilarious that any of them could be so arrogant as to think they're more qualified to coach the team than the one who is actually getting paid the millions of dollars.

Our line slowly inched forward, and a harried woman bustled into the lobby with a parcel claim from her PO Box. The door leading to the claim office was closed, and a sign had been posted that instructed her to wait in the big line. In full frustration, she marched to the end of the line, and began puffing air out of the side of her mouth at regular intervals. The pot-bellied man chimed in and said "they hung that sign and built the place around it, you know." (As if this might help her attitude). 

Mr. Pot-Belly finally got his turn at the counter, and that's when I saw the giant box of packages he had been waiting in line to mail. When he hoisted it onto the counter everyone in the room let out a mostly undetectable moan. It was similar to the sound people make at the grocery store when they realize they're behind an avid coupon-er. The woman directly in front of me was older, with a long, white ponytail and acid-wash jeans. She began tapping her foot impatiently in his direction as she hypocritically slid her own box-o-packages slightly forward. By this time the back of the line was now full of new customers, and I heard two gentlemen behind me chatting, so I strategically angled myself so I could observe them. One of them was tall with white hair a blue button-up. He looked like he still worked for "the man," but his age indicated that he had probably just done so for so many years of his life he had forgotten how to loosen his tie. The other one, who was about the same age, looked like he might try to date your 17-year-old daughter. He donned a pair of loafers, twill shorts and a mock turtleneck to finish off the "I'm casual - but I still paid $1,000 for this outfit" look. And what do you think these two upper-class retirees were talking about? The ALvLSU game.

Things God Says to You

I know your heart. When you are feeling most misunderstood, and everyone seems to doubt your goodness, I know your heart. I am not offended.

You don't have to strive to find words to explain to me how you're feeling. I can read your heart like a book.

When you walk into the bit of illuminated path I have lit for you, and you need to cry about what you're walking away from, I am not disappointed in you. I will weep with you. Even though I know what lies ahead is so good you can't believe it.

I'm better than any old husband. I never stop providing, I never stop protecting, and I will always promote your purity.

Even a silent cell phone is part of my master plan.

You really have no idea how good I am. If you knew, there's no way you'd settle for so-so things. You'd KNOW I can only give really good things.

The silent moments, when you've run out of distractions, and you have to take stock of your life, and you find that it is too much to bear - those are my favorite times with you.

With All My Fears

When all the liquid drains out, and the clanging stops, I find myself at the bottom of this old tin can. 

That's what I can feel You all around - when You're all I have in the world. 

That's when I know You are enough - when I am barren and empty-handed. 

That's when I know You sing over me, when I'm all out of songs.

Choosy

These days everything seems to come down to choices. Which is weird for a girl who was raised in the world of predesitnation to say. But every moment He is whispering to me, and I can either choose to ignore it or choose to walk in it. These days walking in it is hard. I'm not even sure what I'm carrying that won't fit through the doorway He's calling me to. I just feel the loss when I squeeze through.

I am choosing His voice, knowing it is life. 

You are choosing the dim light of ease and safety.

You are choosing the wait.

You are choosing forgiveness.

I am choosing His face, His face, His face. Though my heart is afraid, His eyes are my comfort.

Wuhship.

Tonight we had rooftop prayer for the city. I led worship for part of it. Have I mentioned how much I love leading worship? Or worshiping with other people? Or alone? It's amazing to me that we have, at our constant disposal, something we can DO that is that powerful and comforting, and we don't remember to turn to it all the time. It's right there for us ALL the time! But usually we choose to wallow instead. Or wrap our minds around the circumstances we're in instead. Or fall into sinful patterns as coping mechanisms instead. Or seek the aid of other people instead. When we could turn all of our thoughts and feelings and all that we are to God and WORSHIP Him.

I began the night in the midst of difficult circumstances. Knowing I was going to be leading worship, I snuck off to a remote corner and sat down to open up my heart to the Lord. And of course, these days, whenever I sit down to be introspective, I get overwhelmed almost immediately. I feel like I'm caught in a confusing thought pattern that is very old. One I didn't think I could be caught in again. I feel so foolish - like I should know now how to get free from this. How to stop being so distracted, and know the way in which I should walk.

There I was, feeling like a failure - like I am so unworthy to lead worship. I should have attained some supernatural state of mind. I should be in such tight communion with God that things like this can't sway me or make me flounder. And my dear friend came over with a word from the Lord. She reminded me that it was Halloween, and that God had seen fit to place ME as the worship leader that night. As the one who would lead God's people in worship that all the spiritual realm would hear. God thought I was worthy to do that. To be used in that kind of powerful way. It didn't really matter how I felt - because I am never going to be worthy to do anything for the Lord. That's kind of the whole point. He says I am, and so I am.

So I got up, and went over to do what I am called to do. I opened my mouth and let the Lord sing through me.

Hiatus

This past week has been possibly the busiest week in my entire life. 

-I had the craft show to get ready for and actually attend, which meant one all-nighter (as in, never went to sleep AT ALL) and 2 other nights with less than 5 hours of sleep each. Then I spent 3 full days manning the tale at the craft show.

-I lead worship last Sunday, which was a big undertaking, and then I co-lead at Elements, and co-lead again this Sunday. All this singing, plus no sleep = voice is gone.

-I DJ'ed for the Halloween Party Friday, and had to make a costume for it.

-I subbed two days this past week up at the school.

-The Middle Eastern Food Festival was Saturday.

-I'm leading worship at another event tonight, so I had practice for that.

So in the loss of sleep, food, and sanity, blogging didn't really have any weight. Sorry about the lapse in posts, but I should be back on track this week.

One Thing

I got to worship tonight. I'm so grateful for worship - especially the responsibility to lead worship. There is nothing better for a troubled mind and a weak heart. 

I find myself right in the middle of a very strategic attack at the moment. The enemy has inserted the exact things into my life that have the capacity to distract me most, and I am floundering in the cloud of confusion. I wallow in a place of indecision and yearning, and rack my brain to try and boil my life down into the simplest terms. My thoughts race and the path before me becomes blurred so that I do not know the steps I should take. 

But then I open my mouth to pray - to ask the Lord for something. I want to ask Him for only ONE thing, so that He will pull it out of the fog and let all the rest of it dissolve. And when I speak out the words: "The one thing I ask for, LorD..." this always follows:

      "is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

          delighting in the Lord’s perfections
        and meditating in his Temple."

And then I realize that I have exactly what I long for the most. You, God, are the ONE THING I want most, and I have You forever, as much of You as I could ever want, all the time. And if I never find any more contentment inside this awful cloud, I will still be safe in that place of worship.

    "For He will conceal me there when troubles come;
       He will hide me in his sanctuary.
       He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
    Then I will hold my head high
       above my enemies who surround me."

(Psalm 27)

Whate’er My God Ordains Is Right

There are days where I know implicitly that God has my best interest in mind. That the battles I face are for my eventual blessing. That He is tender and gentle, and not some strict school marm that makes me write lines on the blackboard. He has a really good plan for me, and He will not let me settle for less. Though His redirection may seem harsh at times, He longs to see me arrive at the spacious place He has prepared for me, and fill my empty hands with precious things.

But today was not one of those days. Today I had to work very hard to remind myself that God is good, right now. And on days like today, I'm grateful for the ability to cry, for good friends, and for hymnists.

Whate’er my God ordains is right,
Holy His will abideth.
I will be still whate’er He does,
And follow where He guideth.
He is my God,
Though dark my road.
He holds me that I shall not fall
Wherefore to Him I leave it all

Whate’er my God ordains is right,
He never will deceive me
He leads me by the proper path,
I know He will not leave me
I take, content,
What He hath sent
His hand can turn my griefs away
And patiently I wait His day

Whate’er my God ordains is right,
Though now this cup in drinking
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it all unshrinking
My God is true,
Each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart
And pain and sorrow shall depart

Whate’er my God ordains is right,
Here shall my stand be taken
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken
My Father’s care
Is round me there
He holds me that I shall not fall
And so to Him I leave it all.

What Were You Thinking?

The question that has daunted me since this spring.

I have asked for an answer to this question so many times I've lost count. I asked it expecting a pleasant answer - one that would make me feel good about myself. I asked it non-chalantly like you ask your best friend, "what are you thinking?" I've listened for the answer in every way I can imagine, but I heard no answer.

Until one night, when I felt betrayed by the One who would not answer. I felt betrayed by all those who could hear Him, too. And I convulsed like a snake shedding its skin, coiled up in a closet and wept alone. I had not felt that far from my Lord since I lived in darkness. 

He sent the rainstorm and the thunder. He shook the skies with bright lightning, and rattled my windows with His thunderous voice. In the middle of the rainstorm, I screamed out at Him why He made me the way He did. I listed every fault I had, and every negative relationship resulting from my own failures. In my anger, I demanded an answer. Why would He ever make someone so destined to be miserable? Someone so hopeless? I howled out into the noise: "What were You thinking when You made me?!"

And He answered me. Not at all the way I knew to listen for, but in my mind's eye. I saw myself on my knees, all curled up in a little ball, singing. And I realized I was in the Most Holy Place in the temple. Deep in the heart of the sacred realm. Beyond the courts of praise and the gates of praise and the laver, and the holy place, and the curtain. I was sitting right in front of the altar, singing. And the Spirit of Jesus was hovering above me. There was a beautiful symphony of sounds rising up from all around - out in the outer courts, and up in the heavenlies. But I was the only one in that tiny room. Then suddenly, I wasn't there anymore. I was still looking at the room, but I was not in it. 

I heard the voice of the Father coming from outside of this space - above it. He was asking Jesus a question, over and over again, and it got louder and louder as He approached the Most Holy Place. He said "where is Kaylor?"

Those three words meant more to me than I could ever explain. He was looking for me. He had gone out searching for me, because I was not where I was supposed to be - knelt before His altar, constantly sending up sweet worship to Him. He missed me in my absence, and He was concerned. He knew something was not right, because I was not where I was supposed to be. Where I was made to stay.

That was the answer to my question. That's what He was thinking. Since my creation, God had been trying to lead me back to the place I was created to dwell. In the Most Intimate Place of Worship, sending up sacrifice constantly. Pouring out songs like oil, and my heart like perfume. He covets it. He is jealous for it. He will stop at nothing to get it back.

Pure in Heart

He is always with me

So I am never alone

Even when, in times of great turmoil

Everyone may have found their lives full

Even when no one has an answer to the profound complication

He is with me

His voice comforts me saying:

Do not go anywhere, 

Stay right where you are

And you will be safe.

You will have my peace, 

And I fill be able to perform miracles."

And He does. I have seen it.

When we can wrap our minds so around Him

That we really are able to

Forget the former things

And not dwell on the past

But regard the new thing He has springing up

He does perform miracles.

Nothing in Him is old

It is all always being made new.

And right.

It is difficult to really forget the former things

To unlearn what we have experienced

To let loose our dreams

Exepctations, and hopes

Like white balloons at a funeral.

But if we can deeply know

That He is good

Good, good, good, good, good, good

To His children

And that we ARE His children

We will desire instead the good things He has in store.

You cannot fill an old wineskin with new wine

And I long for the new wine now.

I cannot stay hiding in this old skin.

Nothing is impossible for You

If I let go of my own mistakes-

The dirt I clench so tightly in my fists-

Instead of planning my life around them,

The particles will swirl into the order You meant for them to have

Like the creation of Adam.

I will never guess what You're doing.

Your ways are too high

Your thoughts too magnificent

And I no longer need to know.

It is enough to know

That You love me

And You are good.

What I Should Have Sent

There are two options here:

-I can tell you that I told you so, which would help nothing.

-Or I can tell you that Jesus really does deliver us from EVERYTHING. There is no such thing as "trapped." No such thing as permanently unfulfilled. No such thing as "this is the way it is, and the way it will always be." He is with you, and He is your Shepherd. He did not lead you into a bad place, and He will not leave you there. Have hope in the midst of this battle. Even if you wake up every day with dread in your gut, have hope. Find His promises and hold Him to them. "He has promised good to you, and His word your hopes secures."

Security

My arch-nemesis. If there is a concept that has been the biggest hurdle in my life, it might be this one. Because I'm a freedom-lover and a security-needer. Security is something I hate but need. 

I lived in denial of this most of my life. Because I never HAD security, and so I learned how to live without it. It was a feeble little life, but I could do it, and I was proud that I could do it. I resented all the girls in frilly dresses with big, strong daddies who never let them get hurt. I hated them in my heart, because they had never been afraid like I had. They had grown up with big, strong walls keeping them safe, so they could run free inside them. I had to learn to run free without any walls at all, and how to not fear the blind-siding that could and usually did ensue. I held a deep bitterness in my heart for all the girls whose daddies cared who they dated, and where they were, and what they'd been doing. I wanted that so much. I would even scheme up schedules where the boy I liked might possibly somewhow end up at my house when my dad was there so he would have to meet him. 

I've been told that I cross the line too much, that I have a disregard for authority, and that I'm rebellious. But in my heart, that couldn't be further from true. I long for authority, and I long to please authority. I have always sought out leaders who will lay down hard boundaries and stand on them to make sure I don't run across them. Leaders who were not afraid of my will. Who understood my motives, and cared about me enough to be firm - even very firm - with me. There aren't many. 

That's why it took God's full hand of discipline in my life for me to know that He loved me, and for me to want to follow Him. He is the Best Leader in the world for me. He has boundaries and conequences, and He is not afraid of my little will. He is gentle, but He'll speak harshly with me when He has to. He cares about me too much to let me run outside of the lines of His protection and love. He makes me secure.

Security and freedom feel opposite, but I'm beginning to think they're not. One merely leads to the other. If a person has never felt secure, she cannot ever be free. Freedom exists only within the confines of strong, secure borders. We're free within the borders of God's will, but outside of that, bondage sets in. 

I have run after freedom my whole life without ever stopping to accept the security I was missing. Missing like one of my legs. And it's hard to run with only one leg.

First I learned to be open to it. I remember one of my friends in college berating me for not letting him help me carry at least one of the 40 boxes from my car up to my dorm room, as I struggled to get the door open all by myself. But people who have never had help don't even know to look for it, and certainly don't know how to accept it. I started letting people be nice to me.

Then I had to be still and wait for God to be my Father. The kind of Father who is furious with my enemy. The kind of Father who rescues me. The kind of Father who tells me exactly what he thinks of every boy I date. The kind of Father who tells me who I am, and what I will inherit. A secure inheritance.

And now, on the other side of this hurricane, I can see. I know why it didn't work. I know why I couldn't run to the other side of the globe at the drop of a hat, or stop crying my eyes out on all the adventures, or manifest the fullness of who I am in bold freedom all the time. Because you can't put the horse before the cart. Security first, then freedom. 

You might not understand this if your family was whole, and simple, and good. You already have that bedrock to run on. And you should thank them for it every day.

Maybe this applies to everyone, but I don't know, because I'm female, so I think with a female head. And we all have this little girl inside of us who has to feel safe, or she's afraid. And afraid people are by definition, not free. Tenacity does not cast out fear. Bravery does not cast out fear. Strong will and determination do not cast out fear. 

Love casts out fear. Love, love, love. We have to feel loved. We have to feel like our best interest is always being considered. Like our leader cares about us enough that if, in the course of us following after him, we twist our ankle on the treacherous ground, he will stop and tend to us. Not reprimand us for having weak ankles. Nobody will follow that guy anywhere.

And as all of this merges in my mind, the smoke clears and I can see that I need security. I was meant to have it. I GET to have it. And I am reaching a point where I WANT to have it. Because I will be loved. And I will be free.

The Lord's Day

Sometimes things happen for a big reason, and sometimes they just happen for a little reason. I don't always know which is which, but I think some of each happened today.

I want a brave heart that doesn't flinch or blink. I want to stand in the icy wind and stare down my foes until they melt away.

I want a loving heart that gives away everything. Like a neverending Pez dispenser. 

I want to learn things I never thought I could know. Like how to be happy for people when good things happen to them but hurt me.

I want a life with no earthly merit and all the eternal gain in the world. I need that brave heart to really receive that.

Good, Good, Good, Good

God is SO good. 

He holds me when I cry.

He promises me good things.

He doesn't let me settle for bad things. Or even less-good things.

He loves it when I choose Him.

He is a gentle leader (until a crisis hits, and then He's necessarily firm).

He never disregards my feelings.

He won't let me fear that He is not right with me.

I know what He has in store for me is good.

As Soon As I Call

It's amazing how ever-present God is with me.

Overflowing

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

Every tear I cry He catches in His bottle and saves. How precious they are to Him, because they are born of the sorrow in me - His treasured one.

They are the sweat from the fire in me, burning hot enough to melt the dross off of my silver true-self. They are the fruit of so many nights fighting to find hope. So many days struggling to live a pure life, untainted by any pursuit aside from the exact will of my Father. So many moments of absolute confusion, when all I can do is throw up my hands and declare that I do not know the way I should walk, but the place I am in is unbearable, and I cannot stay. And there in the hard place, You tell me to worship.

Those tears are the truest worship I could ever supply. No words or thoughts or songs will ever compare to the kind of worship those tears represent.

There are so many bottles in my collection, and there will be so many more. And the broken will come to that well and drink from those bottles, and attain their healing.

With You, everything is life. Everything.

Destiny

That's all You would talk about tonight. You were just on a soapbox about destiny. My purpose. The target for which this little arrow was crafted. It has been burned so indellibly on my heart that I can never forget. It is no more a whisper in the trees above me, or a faint memory in the back of my mind. It is the pounding hooves of inevitability.

I was made for the broken. 

My heart wrenches for them. Because when He made me, the Lord anointed ME to bind up the brokenhearted, release the captives, comfort all who mourn, provide for those who grieve, bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair, rebuild the ancient ruins, restore the places long devastated, and renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.

And it will come to pass for them the way it came to pass for me - through worship. Through the constant surrender that comes with living a life on the altar table. A big, bloody mess that is so pleasing to the Lord.

Oh, how You HONOR worship! Oh, how it stirs Your heart and pricks all Your compassion for us little ones! In the moments of disaster, when the whole world is falling down, we can CHOOSE to worship You. And when we do, You honor it with the most glorious display of Your love and power and goodness in our lives that I can scarcely believe it.

I LIVE to see others know this, Lord. I breathe every day because You have called me to do that, and I can do nothing else. You can have whatever You want from me - You can place me anywhere in life, take away every dream, keep me alone, move me to the desert, let my mouth go hungry and my reputation be destroyed - if after all of it, You would let my life accomplish this one thing - that I lead people to FREEDOM in WORSHIP.

Let it be done in me. Through my life.

Nothing is all that scary when you really love. I guess that's what it means when it says "perfect love casts out all fear."

Song in Eb

Nobody plays like you.

Dear God

You are my joy that can never be taken.

You can have my WHOLE FREAKIN life.

Best. Day. Ever.

I just had the best day of my entire year. 

Jesus makes me happier than I have ever been. When the zeal settles, there is a peace beyond words.

  Awesome God by davidbley 

Simba and the Holy Spirit

I went to see The Lion King with Ter-Ter-Bear in the theatre today! It was a wonderful experience, because I'd forgotten how allegorical it is (probably unintentionally) of the gospel. 

-Wonderful, powerful, LION king has one son. Evil enemy to the king takes over the kingdom and brings death and destruction to all. Son comes back "as if from the dead" and beats him. Kingdom is restored.

Or you can take it another way, too:

-A child of the One True King, and heir to His throne, is deceived by the evil enemy to the king, and told he is a guilty, worthless creature. The child runs away from his past, and tries to disguise his pain in empty, worldly slogans like "just don't worry about it." A reminder of truth comes and confronts him with the truth of his true identity as a child of the king. Child returns to the land of his defeat and says "this is my kingdom. If I don't fight for it, who will?" Child defeats evil enemy through the power of the king who "lives in him," and raises a loud cry to signal the victory (roar=worship).

My favorite part is when Rafiki (whom Ter-Ter-Bear and I have decided is Melanie) shows him his reflection and says "see? [your Father - the King] lives in you."

Nothing Compares to You

When God made you, He knew that no one else in the existence of mankind EVER would love Him the way YOU do. Nothing compares to you. That's why He would leave the 99 found sheep to go find that ONE that isn't living in His love.

He Walks with Me

My favorite thing to do with a person is take a walk. I've never found anything more conducive to really getting to know a person than walking. If you want to know me, take me for a walk.

I walk a lot. I walk down the street when I'm on the phone, and sometimes I end up half a mile down the road, and wonder how I got there. When I feel distressed, I walk. When I need to organize my thoughts, I walk. When the day is beautiful, I walk. 

Last night I felt very sad, so I decided to go for a walk with my Lord. I went to my favorite park very late at night and crossed the dewy lawn. I climbed the steps and looked out over the parking lot across the street. I asked my impossible questions, and waited for answers. And He answered me. He told me what to ask Him for, so I did. And when I did, I realized that what He told me to ask for was exactly what I wanted, deep down in my heart. I asked for it over and over again.

Then I sang Him a song, because it makes me so happy that He listens to me. And that He talks to me. That my floundering matters to Him. He has reassured me of His love in every way possible, and yet I still doubt Him. But He is ever-willing to reassure me again. 

He is always able and willing to go take a walk with me, not matter what time of the day. I could not ask for more.

Break on Through

Here are some true things:

-A stronghold is a place of refuge in times of insecurity. 

-Everybody has at least one stronghold. Just think about what you do (or what you want to do) when you feel insecure about something, and you'll figure yours out.

-There is but one stronghold that is safe to run to. His name is Jesus. Psalm 27:1 "The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?"

-If you run to, or want to run to, anything else, that is a stronghold that must be broken.

-Breaking a stronghold is very, very hard. It almost definitely includes some moments where you feel insecure, but instead of running, you stay out in the vulnerable open. While you're out there, trying to brave the dark night, there are only a few things you can do while you wait for God to come save you. Worship is one of those things. It's my favorite thing.

-When you want to break through a stronghold, the battle will inevitably get harder as you come close to the end. When it does, and you feel like you're being strategically attacked from all sides, take heart. You most certainly ARE being attacked from all sides.

-All you can do, and all you need to do, is turn that worship music up louder than your thoughts, and shout it out until your battle is won. 

-Worship is the battlecry.

Time for a List

-I love my coffee table. It reminds me of my old roommate, and it makes my lair look so nice. And I can put things on it.

-I love going for walks.

-I hate cold weather because I can't go for walks anymore.

-I am absolutely determined to make my lair a place of joy and healing and growth. It is ever under the attack of becoming a place of defeat.

-My favorite place to worship is my car, on the interstate. If I had enough money for the gas, I'd just drive round and round the city every night, singing at the top of my lungs.

-Today is the 9,692nd day of my life.

-Sometimes I miss how I used to be, before Jesus started making me a healthy, balanced person. My heart had no boundaries at all, and it almost killed me. But I look back and see how foolishly and lavishly I loved people. I hope one day I'm able to do that again and not almost die.

-I wish I could tell the full story of my salvation to everyone I meet. But it's too personal to tell even my closest friends.

-I really like Joan of Arc. I want to be like her. But that means I can't get married. And there are days where I think that might be the point...

-I once heard someone say that "people don't like to hurt." It was in the context of assuming that hurting is an extremely necessary step to growth. It's true - we'll do just about anything to not hurt. But God doesn't provide anesthetic for our spiritual surgeries. Instead, He offers us worship.

-I want to be loved for the things I love about myself. Sometimes people love me because they think I'm cute. But I want to be loved because I'm brave.

-I have some of the best friends this world could ever offer. I only hope I'm as good to them. If you're listening, I hope you know I'd do anything for you.

-Unforgiveness is so silly. 

-There are times where I feel the love of God so present in me I want to go up to everyone I see and tell them how wonderful they are. I used to actually DO it when I was drunk. But I don't drink anymore.

-Alcohol is silly too.

-I know that I have no idea what I really need. There are days I don't even know what I want. 

-I will never stop praying for you. Not until you're free. 

-Waiting is the hardest thing for me to do.

-Fall weather makes me think of college. And when I think of college, I ache. Because college threw me around like a ragdoll in a dryer. I long for a chance to go back and do it again as the new creation I am. Perhaps one day I will. Heaven knows Tuscaloosa needs it.

-I love music with all my soul. But I love Jesus with all my spirit. And most of the time, I find that if I listen to music I love, my soul has a feeding frenzy and my spirit loses the next battle. I can't afford that. So I almost never get to listen to the music I love.

-People are too far apart. Why do we live such separated lives? It's clear that no one REALLY likes it - otherwise we wouldn't have Facebook and cell phones and IMs and emails and video chats. We all have a deep longing for human connection, but our culture starves us to death.

-I don't know what's going on in my life. I'd be ok with this if no one else expected me to.

-I don't have a favorite candy, because they're all too good.

-Relationships were never meant to end. Any relationship that is designed to end is a man-made construct, or at least a sin-made construct, and we aren't built to deal with it. 

-I think all men should learn carpentry. Or something that involves manipulating a natural element with their hands. It changes them.

-My mother has pneumonia and today she was outside digging in the dirt with a big shovel.

-I believe that love never fails. I believe it even though I've never seen it.

-The enemy knows the call on our lives. He will counter that purpose with an opposing force. I was called to be joyful. So I've struggled with depression all my life. Praise the Lord, depression is losing big time these days. It's losing because one day I woke up and told it to lose.

-I've pursued many different lives, but the one I'm living is good.

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible to feel safe AND free at the same time. And if I have to pick one, freedom's gonna win every time.

Claiming What's Ours

"We have been promised a kingdom inheritance, but there is ground we have to take in order to get it. When God gives you vision for a piece of spiritual ground, and you start walking toward it, the enemy will stand on it and dare you to take it. If we don't have to fight to take it, we won't have the strength to keep it. And we have ground we are meant to take." -Beth Moore

God's concept of inheritance doesn't work like ours. On this earth, all we have to do to inherit something is be born to the person that has it. Sure, there's the possibility that if you're a really terrible son or daughter, you might get written out of the will. But for most people, all they have to do is sit back and let their inheritance trickle down to them.

This is not the case with God. The inheritance He has promised to His children is far more precious than anything we can imagine, and that means it is highly coveted. Something that precious is not just going to go unnoticed and one day end up in our lap. We have an enemy named Satan who wants to take it from us.

It helps to think outside the box of the 21st century and go back to olden days when there were kings and wars for land and such. Just because a prince was born to a king didn't necessarily mean he could sit back and inherit a whole kingdom. He was most likely going to have to fight to keep it. And if he wanted any NEW land, he would not only have to go to war to win it, he would then have to fight to keep that land under his dominion, too.

Christ has been given all authority and dominion over every piece of physical and spiritual land that exists. But he enlisted US to go to battle for it. Like the princes and princesses we are, we have to go fight for the land we will inherit, and then fight to maintain it.
The battle will be difficult. Our enemy will want us to think that we will never, ever win, and we will never get to dwell in the land that we were promised. We will never get to experience freedom, or purity, or wholeness or joy while on this earth. But if we take hold of the promise God has given us to inherit His kingdom, we will overcome the enemy. We will reap every bit that we sow in this, and more.

Joy follows obedience.

(and disobedience never leads to joy).

Evidence

What is the necessary ingredient for a truth to make it from your head to your heart? By what pathway does something that we know to be true in our heads register as reality in our hearts?

The answer is PROOF. We need proof to understand that something is true. We can memorize truth all day long, but for us to walk around assured of that truth, we must have had some experience in which it was proven to us.

We are not always given this luxury. For example, a suspicious wife can KNOW that her husband is not cheating on her, but she may still experience life as if he is. She may feel an ache in her heart every day and worry and feel unloved because of the doubt in her mind that it is true. She may crave the one thing that would make the truth of her husband's fidelity a reality to her: PROOF.

This example is an earthly example. We as followers of Jesus Christ have a plethora of non-earthly examples that we have to deal with every day. We KNOW that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, that He was born of the Virgin Mary, that He lived a blameless life, died on the cross to take the full atonement for our sin, was raised on the third day back to life, ascended to heaven, sent His Holy Spirit, and now indwells everyone who calls upon His name for salvation. But how do we walk around like that is reality? How do we experience that truth as a reality on a daily basis? We need PROOF, and unfortunately, our proof ascended to heaven about 2,000 years ago. What are we to do?

Or take another spiritual example: We can read God's true and living word and hear that we can be free from spiritual bondage. Free from the old way of thinking that was governed by our flesh. Free to stop acting upon those impulses, free to stop thinking about them all the time, and free to stop feeling that old way, too. Free, free, free. But as long as that truth stays up in our heads, and doesn't translate down into our heart, and into our every day life, we will not experience that truth. We would need to have PROOF that it was true, by seeing it come to fruition in our life. And what are we to do in the meantime, while that work of freedom is happening, but has not yet come to pass?

We need proof. What are we supposed to do without cold, hard EVIDENCE of the truth?

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Faith. Where there is no proof, there is FAITH. The word of God says that faith IS the evidence of those things unseen. It is the substance - the thing we hang onto - of all the things we hope for.

We do not live by sight, but by faith. That is the only way to live the supernatural lives God has called us to, because the world will only ever offer us natural proof. We need much, much more to live like children of an eternal God. We must have faith.

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings..." Hebrews 10:22