To Faith, or Not to Faith....

I touch with my body.

I think with my mind.

I love with my heart.

But I believe with my soul. Believe is so very overused these days. I can believe in Santa Claus, or believe it's raining outside, or believe in a particular hair product. I need a new verb. I need a verb that means "to have faith."

Our ruthless Enemy is so wiley. He can trick our bodies. He can trick our minds. He can even trick our sweet little hearts. But he cannot trick our soul.

There are some moments when all the evidence I can think of or see stacks up against believing that Jesus Christ is the Living Son of God, that He is full deity, that He loves us so passionately that He became a real man, walked on this earth, laid hands on real people, bled and died on a Roman cross, was buried, and that He rose again by the supernatural power of God the Father so that He would be the propitiation for all the sins of the world, so that man and God could once again have the most intimate fellowship and love. And I try to think my way out of the doubt. And I try to reason my way out, or emote my way out. But our Enemy is wiley. And then I know that all I can do is....that verb that doesn't exist. All I can do is faith.

And I faith, and I faith, and I faith with my soul. And that's all He asks us to do.

"For by grace you have been saved, through faith." -Ephesians 2:8

All My Best Epiphanies Come From the Bathroom Stall

There is an entire genre of music that reminds me of Houston. And keep in mind, that any time the state of Texas crosses my mind, you do. But the music is really good. So I'm pushing through the pain, and I went ahead and bought Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix.

Oh, and it would be divine to hear something in response right about now. Not that I'm not accustomed to putting my heart on a wire. But I'm so tired of checking the mailbox.

I want to be on an adventure. I'm restless and anxious here. I want to be doing something else, somewhere else, where faith is easier to see and much easier to have. I am blinded by my comfy bed, my functioning car, my fifteen pairs of shoes, my pervasive culture of Christianity that in reality, has almost nothing to do with the life He led. I really want to be on that adventure that you planted in my head. It's grown into a big weed now, and it's wrapping its tentacles around my thoughts.

But I know that the Lord is sovereign. This is no surprise to Him, that I'm shy, and dependent on someone who is guaranteed to be mindful of me in a new and scary place, and that no one like that happens to be in my life. And I know that all He asks us to do is obey Him. He hasn't told me to go anywhere yet. Maybe He hasn't told you to, either.

I am so blessed. I can't begin to count them. I can't understand why the Lord blessed me so much. Why when He was hanging on that cross He thought about me, and all my sin, and nodded in acceptance of that burden. I don't know why He loves me so much. He loves me enough to withhold the easiness of having just what I think I want. I guess that means He has something planned for me.

By and By

Here I have worked, and labored a while.

But labor is sweet if Jesus doth smile

When I am done I will go home

Where Jesus is smiling and bids me to come.

Oh, when shall i see Jesus and reign with Him above?

And from that flowing fountain drink everlasting love?

I'm on my way to Canaan

I'm on my way to Canaan

I'm on my way to Canaan to the new Jerusalem.

When shall I be delivered from this faint world of sin?

And with my blessed Jesus drink endless pleasures in?

I'm on my way to Canaan

I'm on my way to Canaan

I'm on my way to Canaan to the new Jerusalem.

(Sacred Harp)

Whoever You Are

I want the twin connection.

I want to know what you're thinking when you're not even around me.

I want to know all the people you work with because of the time you spend telling me about them.

I want to call you to tell you about inconsequential things, like when unusually large crows are in the neighbor's yard, or when there's a new kind of cereal at Wal-mart. I want you to be excited with me about those things.

I want you to love people very much; so much that you come home sometimes and cry for them. I want to cry with you.

I want you to work very hard all the time.

I want you to be restless, and creative, and constantly express yourself. I want to be your audience.

I want you to love to eat, and I want to cook for you. I want you to love my food, and make yummy noises when you eat it, and scoop me up in your arms sometimes out of gratitude because you've found me in the kitchen. I want to spend my evenings cutting up produce while you tell me about the people you met that day, and what was on their hearts.

I want to go to restaurants and get so caught up in talking that I forget to eat my food. I want to sit on the same side of the booth with you, and I want people to stare because we are so different from most people - so intensely connected. So eager to be around each other.

I want you to be so incredibly excited the day we find out I'm pregnant that you jump up and down and call everyone you know and play the happiest music and sit down with me and praise the Lord for hours. I want you to do that for every one of our children, and I want there to be a lot of them. I want you to adore them with a fierce love and give up anything for them.

I want you to be cheerful most of the time, and I want you to inspire my optimism instead of my brooding. I want to inspire your courage and confidence and self-expression. That's what I want to do to you.

I want you to have big, idealistic ideas about things. And I want you to try to do them. I want to help you do them. I want you to come home and ask me to do specific things for you toward those ends. I want to follow your directions.

I want people to gravitate toward us because we are so joyful, and the centrifugal force of our two energies gets faster and happier and closer every day.

I want to be of one mind with you. I want that mind to be set on serving others and helping them and most of all, bringing joy to them.

I want to labor with you to make other people realize how free they are in the love of Christ. I want you and I to make people feel like being themselves, and I want us to advocate them and nurture their sense of self-worth. I want to invite those in need into our home and take care of them.

I want to be on a team with you - a team that works with absolute fluidity because of a deep sense of unity and peace and love. I want our team to be a strong force in our community to bring others around us together.

I want to encourage peace between rivaling individuals and I want to celebrate people with you. I want to be so connected to the community we are in that those around us become like family that we love unconditionally.

I want to do everything with you, pray for the same goals with you, worship the same Jesus with you.

I want to love you recklessly, and fuse everything I am with you.

Tired

I'm tired of Facebook. Because every photo I have that I could set as my profile was taken by you. You are there, in every one of them, making me smile. You were there, meticulously editing them in photoshop. And you aren't even my Facebook friend. So I'm sick and tired of it. I need to take new photos.

I'm tired of not scrapbooking. Because to sit down and archive anything from the past two years of my life would require me sifting through hundreds of pictures, movie stubs, lunch receipts, and other odds and ends that remind me of you. I thought I'd feel brave enough to do that by now. But I'm not. I'm like that widow in Maine who wouldn't throw out her late husband's mail.

I'm tired of finding things every month. Last month I found that journal you gave me, that I never wrote in. Today I found the Valentine's Day gift I bought for months in advance to give you. But instead it found its way into a random box in the storage, and I found it today. I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of walking up my front steps from a weary day of carrying you around in my head, and wondering if maybe you are in town. Maybe your car is parked in my yard. Maybe you've come to say hello. I'm tired of this miserable fantasy. I want to come home in peace.

I'm tired of dreaming about you. I'm tired of waking up feeling like I really saw you. I'm tired of dreaming that you're marrying my friend or standing in the room, ignoring me. I'm tired of my mind making me feel like you were really there, being indifferent.

I'm tired of Page France, Damien Rice, and Dave Matthews Band being set to never play in iTunes shuffle. I'm tired of driving by Nomad Supply and feeling specially connected to it. I'm tired of meeting interesting artists and craftspeople who love Jesus, and not having anything to market to them. I'm tired of knowing exactly what you meant by Christian community NOW that you're not here anymore. I'm tired of weddings with bad photographers, and I'm tried of wondering whether or not to go to weddings because I'm afraid they'll have some rock star photographer from Houston.

I'm tired of feeling so heavy all the time. Like I have to force smiles. I'm tired of dragging my feet into the quiet house. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being stuck in this endless rut. I'm tired of the quandary.

I'm tired of the compounding realization of how valuable and precious you are. I'm tired of feeling so forgiving and patient, and knowing that it doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired of the waste of it all.

I'm tired of not knowing where you are, what you're doing, who you spend time with, where you live, what you do for a living, how your health is, what you were being prepared for all along,whether or not you even know yet, where the Lord is calling you, how much He loves you, what you're thinking. What are you thinking? How was your day today? I'm tired of not having you there to call and tell about all the amazing things the Lord is doing in my life. I'm tired of missing my best friend. I'm tired of missing my best friend. I'm tired of missing my best friend.

Worship Song of the Day

Remember those walls I built
Well now they've come tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make a sound
I found a way to let You in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of Your halo
I've got my angel now.

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had You're breaking
It’s the risk that I’m taking
I ain't never gonna shut You out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by Your embrace
I can see Your halo
You know You’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
And it’s written all over Your face
I can feel Your halo
I know it won’t fade away.

Now I can feel your halo halo halo,
And I can see your halo halo halo,
I can feel your halo halo halo,
I can see your halo halo halo.

It hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
And I’m addicted to Your light
I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
So pull me back to the ground again

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had You're breaking
It’s the risk that I’m taking
I ain't never gonna shut You out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by Your embrace
I can see Your halo
You know You’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
And it’s written all over Your face
I can feel Your halo
I know it won’t fade away.

Now I can feel your halo halo halo,
And I can see your halo halo halo,
I can feel your halo halo halo,
I can see your halo halo halo.

(-Beyonce)

The Falcon Cannot Hear the Falconer

I am limbs flying, erratic

Whizzing through the freezing air in a

Big, black tornado.

The rushing cloud from Pandora's Box has

Swallowed me whole

I am in the thick of all things

Negative.

I have no defenses

Without You

I'm just a paper skeleton

Without You

Without You, I'm just the same

I haven't changed

I'm terrified and paranoid

Jealous and insecure

Depressed and haggard

I am full of putrid flames so that

Everyone gets singed.

Where is my joy?

Where is my contentment?

My thoughts are as numerous as scorpions

They swarm into my mind and I am paralyzed.

Even when I lie down to sleep

My dreams betray me

The morning light brings no new hope.

Battle this wicked army

Open Your mouth, and the storm will end

Whatever You speak, it is so

Speak peace into me

Speak joy into me

Speak solace

"In Your unfailing love,

Silence all my enemies and destroy

All my foes,

For I am Your servant."