Girl In A Tin Can

The Way of the Artist

2012-01-12T22:29:00.000-06:00

I no longer believe that my soul is supposed to die and never again interfere with the progress of the spirit. Surely it, too, is to be redeemed. And if it is, then I will require one who can understand it. Who knows, without me having to say it. Who is seeing the world in his own artistic way. I do not want to cope with the loneliness of being misunderstood. I would rather be content to be understood well, even if it is only by the Lord.

Take Up Your Cross, But Leave Your Nets...

2012-01-12T22:02:00.002-06:00

For some people who decide to follow Jesus, it is an easy and natural transition from who they were to who they are now. They were a guitar player in a bar band, and now they play their guitar to the glory of God. Done.

But for others it is very difficult to extract the good from the old, and leave the bad there to rot. What if your old identity was a stumbling block to you? What if the world you lived in contributed to your slavery and demise? What then can you do but run screaming in the other direction and never go back to pick up the pieces?

I have wondered this for years now. I have wondered why, for some people, giving their life to Christ is like a good idea that no one had ever suggested before, and with great ease they hand Him everything they are already carrying and watch Him make it new. And for other people surrendering to Christ was more like wrestling a thrashing dragon to the ground and after a long fight, slaying him and leaving his carcass behind. That's what if was/is like for me. The flesh within me is so strong, and took so much energy to subdue, that to step back into any measure of the old life - even to minister within it - would awaken it once again.

What then, shall I do? Leave it all behind and chalk it up to a totally wasted part of my life? Or hope that someday, in some way, God will redeem a part of my life that has, until now, been a dead and decaying dragon somewhere behind me on the path to life?

Wholly Bright

2012-01-10T23:35:00.000-06:00

God likes to do new things in our lives. He is always telling us to quit dwelling in the past. To forget the former things and behold the new things He is doing. But in order to see what the Lord is drawing you into, your eyes must be fixed upon it, with no backward glances to the old.

"Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is full of light, but when it is bad, your body is full of darkness. Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright, as when a lamp with its rays gives you light.” Luke 11:34-36

Oh, that my eyes would be filled with light, wholly bright, and unable to see the darkness.

Spring

2012-01-09T11:39:00.003-06:00

It's January. It's supposed to be cold. The air quick and unforgiving as it pierces through every layer. The sky bleak with rainless clouds, and empty, save for the birds fleeing to better lands. Silent nights indicating the total absence of all living things that could stir. Hopeless mornings and thoughtful nights. Solitude.

But today the weather was warm and muggy. Occasional raindrops fell from the sky. The sun broke through the trees and cast a lovely ray on my Jeep. I did not need a jacket. I turned my fire off and the air conditioner on. The Easter candy is out already, which means my favorite candy is available. And to top it all off, I pulled into my driveway this afternoon and saw a bright yellow spot by the tree in the yard. It was my favorite flower - a daffodil - that had burst forth from the icy ground in a state of confusion. I don't think a daffodil has ever bloomed this early since the dawn of time. And they make me happy in a way that I cannot really explain. It is too deep.

But if there's one thing you won't find me complaining about, it's that Spring has come too early. Because I know that cruel February is coming. And I shall cherish this day and keep it close to my heart, to feast upon in that darkest time.

The Soul and the Spirit and the Songs in Between

2011-12-24T13:14:00.002-06:00

My spirit belongs to the Spirit.

There is no tension and no war.

For it was dead before He found her

And she will never leave my Lord.

My spirit's longing is unswerving

Seeking solely after Life

The lure of death has no pow'r

And faint is the Siren Strife.

I sleep in warmth and safety

When I fall asleep in You

My soul is tamed and docile

I rest til morning dew.

But when I find my diet

Thinned out of heavenly food

My soul will feast on earthly things

My spirit be subdued.

And soul, she is a whirlwind

Unbridled is her heart

If left alone her feelings

Will crush us all apart.

Her appetitie is endless

She can't be satisfied

She'll drink the poisonous music

Til we're drowning in high tide.

She'll grow until she trumps us

By her power and her weight

From under her poor governing

One can scarce escape.

The nights she gives are restless

Marked by an anxious head

Longing, striving rule me

Til dawn will reach my bed.

I gave myself to Jesus.

I rendered Him my soul.

I do not want to rule me.

I perish in control.

So do not lose your focus

Do not forsake your quest

You must build up your spirit,

Starve your soul, for this is best.

Can't Help Myself

2011-12-20T23:32:00.002-06:00

I confess the things I am afraid of:

Thorns and danger just around the bend

I pray for tongues of fire and bands of angels

To come and circle ‘round me like a fence

I lift my eyes to the hills,

where comes my help?

I lift my hands, empty hands

I can’t help myself, can’t help myself

No, I can’t help myself.

My enemies surround me like an army

Within, without the battles raging on

I pray the Spirit would be strong and mighty

For courage through the night until the dawn

I lift my eyes to the hills,

where comes my help?

I lift my hands, empty hands

I can’t help myself, can’t help myself

No, I can’t help myself.

Oh trust the Lord, my soul and all that is in me

Oh trust the light to show my darkest parts

With wounds of truth and love, a friend who has known me

A fool would keep his secrets in his heart

I lift my eyes to the hills,

where comes my help?

I lift my hands, empty hands

I can’t help myself, can’t help myself

No, I can’t help myself.

Fear and Love (and the Past 2 Weeks)

2011-11-30T23:59:00.000-06:00

The more I live, the more I believe that there are really only two forces in the world - love and fear. Both of them serve as the motivation for everything we do. In very strong doses, they can each motivate us to incredible lengths - to actions others would most certainly deem insane.

I have lived out of fear for so many years. Even my hunger for the Lord paid homage to the fear of life without Him. A couple weeks ago God started speaking to me about fear, and telling me that I was never meant to live in it. I asked Him what I was afraid of, and He told me one thing. He said that was the last thing, and once I broke it, everything would change.

So now, on the other side of it, I feel so strange. I feel disconnected and unfocused. There has always been a gnawing in me, and like hunger pains keep our attention on food, that gnawing kept me focused on the Lord. And now it's gone. I've been so puzzled these past two weeks. Extraordinary things have been happening. And things that should devastate do not. It leaves me so confused about how I'm doing, and whether or not I'm on the right track.

I'm certainly not going to complain about not being devastated. I've just been wondering if it's ok to be ok. I keep asking the Lord about it, saying "if that gnawing isn't going to motivate me toward You, then what is?" The only answer I could come up with was self-discipline. And I knew at once that answer was the WRONG one, because our walk with God was never meant to be born from or maintained by discipline or the law. It was always meant to be a love affair - the kind where you're so smitten you can't even eat or sleep without always thinking of Him. And so, the answer to my question is obvious, or should've been anyway, but it took some reminding for me:

Love.

Where fear once motivated, love must now take the reigns. It's a strange shift. I feel as if I've always driven everywhere, and all of a sudden I have wings, and I'm trying to figure out how to fly.

The Strongest Heart

2011-11-15T01:23:00.001-06:00

I will cover you in golden light,

Pour over you melted understanding,

Fill you up to the measure with droplets

That each sing a joyful little song about you,

And set you like a paper boat down a quiet stream,

That leads to your astonishing destiny.

I am dying to.

Friday Night Visions

2011-11-11T23:11:00.000-06:00

I saw myself kneeling before the cross. Nothing else was around - it was a barren hilltop, and there was nothing to see if any direction except me and the cross. I was holding a wedding dress in my hands, that signified every dream I've ever had for my life - everything I've ever imagined my life would be like. All my hopes for marriage, children, important work on this earth, healthy relationships, a secure home - EVERYTHING. I leaned forward and took a giant nail and nailed the dress up onto the cross. As soon as i leaned back, that clean, white dress started turning bloody and dirty and gross - like it had been something alive that I just killed, and it was decaying. I was horrified at something that precious to me turning into something so revolting. And then suddenly my viewpoint shifted, and I was looking down at myself and the cross from an aerial view. And I saw the enormous presence of the Lord swoop down and wrap all around me, like a mother would when her child was in great pain. And I realized that although it was God who asked me to sacrifice those dreams and nail them to the cross, He was still very concerned about how hard it was for me, and He was compassionate toward me. His presence brought me to my feet, and started swirling around me, and then I saw that I was wearing a bridal gown made of light. It was so bright and glowing, and beautiful. The dress I had nailed up was so precious to me, and I was broken over seeing it destroyed, but the Lord had a better dress in mind - one that is not even made of earthly substance, and cannot be destroyed or removed from me.

The Post Office

2011-11-09T18:52:00.001-06:00

I go to the post office a lot, because I sell a lot of things online. But today I had to go to a different one, and it was really crowded. There were a lot of people in line, and when I walked in and saw them all, I thought about how much God loved each of them. They were all so different. There was this frizzy-haired new mommy holding her brand new baby girl in a big fleece blanket. Behind her was a thin black woman who was extremely interested in the baby (and this baby was NOT cute). Behind her was a young Indian woman who looked like she must be in med school somewhere. She was completely engrossed in her iPhone, and not at all interested in the baby conversation going on around her. Behind her was a man with a protruding beer belly, wearing an Alabama hat and Christmas t-shirt. He was excessively talkative, and tried to converse with everyone in line. He was also quite offensive. He asked the woman holding the baby if she had any others, and she said "no, she's an only - for now anyway." He said "well, you better get to work on that second one...if you've only got one child and it's a girl, you don't count as a parent yet." I couldn't believe he said it right there in the post office - I wanted to go cover that ugly baby's little ears.

When that conversation didn't yield any fruit, he moved on to try and strike a conversation with a much more likely individual - the tall, lanky guy behind him, who was also wearing Alabama paraphernalia. The pot-bellied man started re-capping the ALvLSU game and explaining, in detail, where Alabama's team had gone wrong. He rattled off about how "the only way to beat that team" is to blahblahblahblah... "but they don't let me call the plays." The lanky man wouldn't make eye contact and just occasionally grunted and nodded so as not to be totally rude. I knew there were probably a lot of men out there having identical conversations, but I still found it hilarious that any of them could be so arrogant as to think they're more qualified to coach the team than the one who is actually getting paid the millions of dollars.

Our line slowly inched forward, and a harried woman bustled into the lobby with a parcel claim from her PO Box. The door leading to the claim office was closed, and a sign had been posted that instructed her to wait in the big line. In full frustration, she marched to the end of the line, and began puffing air out of the side of her mouth at regular intervals. The pot-bellied man chimed in and said "they hung that sign and built the place around it, you know." (As if this might help her attitude).

Mr. Pot-Belly finally got his turn at the counter, and that's when I saw the giant box of packages he had been waiting in line to mail. When he hoisted it onto the counter everyone in the room let out a mostly undetectable moan. It was similar to the sound people make at the grocery store when they realize they're behind an avid coupon-er. The woman directly in front of me was older, with a long, white ponytail and acid-wash jeans. She began tapping her foot impatiently in his direction as she hypocritically slid her own box-o-packages slightly forward. By this time the back of the line was now full of new customers, and I heard two gentlemen behind me chatting, so I strategically angled myself so I could observe them. One of them was tall with white hair a blue button-up. He looked like he still worked for "the man," but his age indicated that he had probably just done so for so many years of his life he had forgotten how to loosen his tie. The other one, who was about the same age, looked like he might try to date your 17-year-old daughter. He donned a pair of loafers, twill shorts and a mock turtleneck to finish off the "I'm casual - but I still paid $1,000 for this outfit" look. And what do you think these two upper-class retirees were talking about? The ALvLSU game.

Things God Says to You

2011-11-08T23:57:00.000-06:00

I know your heart. When you are feeling most misunderstood, and everyone seems to doubt your goodness, I know your heart. I am not offended.

You don't have to strive to find words to explain to me how you're feeling. I can read your heart like a book.

When you walk into the bit of illuminated path I have lit for you, and you need to cry about what you're walking away from, I am not disappointed in you. I will weep with you. Even though I know what lies ahead is so good you can't believe it.

I'm better than any old husband. I never stop providing, I never stop protecting, and I will always promote your purity.

Even a silent cell phone is part of my master plan.

You really have no idea how good I am. If you knew, there's no way you'd settle for so-so things. You'd KNOW I can only give really good things.

The silent moments, when you've run out of distractions, and you have to take stock of your life, and you find that it is too much to bear - those are my favorite times with you.

With All My Fears

2011-11-07T23:59:00.001-06:00

When all the liquid drains out, and the clanging stops, I find myself at the bottom of this old tin can.

That's what I can feel You all around - when You're all I have in the world.

That's when I know You are enough - when I am barren and empty-handed.

That's when I know You sing over me, when I'm all out of songs.

Choosy

2011-11-06T18:12:00.000-06:00

These days everything seems to come down to choices. Which is weird for a girl who was raised in the world of predesitnation to say. But every moment He is whispering to me, and I can either choose to ignore it or choose to walk in it. These days walking in it is hard. I'm not even sure what I'm carrying that won't fit through the doorway He's calling me to. I just feel the loss when I squeeze through.

I am choosing His voice, knowing it is life.

You are choosing the dim light of ease and safety.

You are choosing the wait.

You are choosing forgiveness.

I am choosing His face, His face, His face. Though my heart is afraid, His eyes are my comfort.

Wuhship.

2011-10-31T23:56:00.000-06:00

Tonight we had rooftop prayer for the city. I led worship for part of it. Have I mentioned how much I love leading worship? Or worshiping with other people? Or alone? It's amazing to me that we have, at our constant disposal, something we can DO that is that powerful and comforting, and we don't remember to turn to it all the time. It's right there for us ALL the time! But usually we choose to wallow instead. Or wrap our minds around the circumstances we're in instead. Or fall into sinful patterns as coping mechanisms instead. Or seek the aid of other people instead. When we could turn all of our thoughts and feelings and all that we are to God and WORSHIP Him.

I began the night in the midst of difficult circumstances. Knowing I was going to be leading worship, I snuck off to a remote corner and sat down to open up my heart to the Lord. And of course, these days, whenever I sit down to be introspective, I get overwhelmed almost immediately. I feel like I'm caught in a confusing thought pattern that is very old. One I didn't think I could be caught in again. I feel so foolish - like I should know now how to get free from this. How to stop being so distracted, and know the way in which I should walk.

There I was, feeling like a failure - like I am so unworthy to lead worship. I should have attained some supernatural state of mind. I should be in such tight communion with God that things like this can't sway me or make me flounder. And my dear friend came over with a word from the Lord. She reminded me that it was Halloween, and that God had seen fit to place ME as the worship leader that night. As the one who would lead God's people in worship that all the spiritual realm would hear. God thought I was worthy to do that. To be used in that kind of powerful way. It didn't really matter how I felt - because I am never going to be worthy to do anything for the Lord. That's kind of the whole point. He says I am, and so I am.

So I got up, and went over to do what I am called to do. I opened my mouth and let the Lord sing through me.

Hiatus

2011-10-31T10:46:00.000-06:00

This past week has been possibly the busiest week in my entire life.

-I had the craft show to get ready for and actually attend, which meant one all-nighter (as in, never went to sleep AT ALL) and 2 other nights with less than 5 hours of sleep each. Then I spent 3 full days manning the tale at the craft show.

-I lead worship last Sunday, which was a big undertaking, and then I co-lead at Elements, and co-lead again this Sunday. All this singing, plus no sleep = voice is gone.

-I DJ'ed for the Halloween Party Friday, and had to make a costume for it.

-I subbed two days this past week up at the school.

-The Middle Eastern Food Festival was Saturday.

-I'm leading worship at another event tonight, so I had practice for that.

So in the loss of sleep, food, and sanity, blogging didn't really have any weight. Sorry about the lapse in posts, but I should be back on track this week.

One Thing

2011-10-26T23:54:00.004-05:00

I got to worship tonight. I'm so grateful for worship - especially the responsibility to lead worship. There is nothing better for a troubled mind and a weak heart.

I find myself right in the middle of a very strategic attack at the moment. The enemy has inserted the exact things into my life that have the capacity to distract me most, and I am floundering in the cloud of confusion. I wallow in a place of indecision and yearning, and rack my brain to try and boil my life down into the simplest terms. My thoughts race and the path before me becomes blurred so that I do not know the steps I should take.

But then I open my mouth to pray - to ask the Lord for something. I want to ask Him for only ONE thing, so that He will pull it out of the fog and let all the rest of it dissolve. And when I speak out the words: "The one thing I ask for, LorD..." this always follows:

"is to live in the house of the Lord all the days of my life,

delighting in the Lord’s perfections
and meditating in his Temple."

And then I realize that I have exactly what I long for the most. You, God, are the ONE THING I want most, and I have You forever, as much of You as I could ever want, all the time. And if I never find any more contentment inside this awful cloud, I will still be safe in that place of worship.

    "For He will conceal me there when troubles come;
       He will hide me in his sanctuary.
       He will place me out of reach on a high rock.
    Then I will hold my head high
       above my enemies who surround me."

(Psalm 27)

Whate’er My God Ordains Is Right

2011-10-25T23:56:00.002-05:00

There are days where I know implicitly that God has my best interest in mind. That the battles I face are for my eventual blessing. That He is tender and gentle, and not some strict school marm that makes me write lines on the blackboard. He has a really good plan for me, and He will not let me settle for less. Though His redirection may seem harsh at times, He longs to see me arrive at the spacious place He has prepared for me, and fill my empty hands with precious things.

But today was not one of those days. Today I had to work very hard to remind myself that God is good, right now. And on days like today, I'm grateful for the ability to cry, for good friends, and for hymnists.

Whate’er my God ordains is right,
Holy His will abideth.
I will be still whate’er He does,
And follow where He guideth.
He is my God,
Though dark my road.
He holds me that I shall not fall
Wherefore to Him I leave it all

Whate’er my God ordains is right,
He never will deceive me
He leads me by the proper path,
I know He will not leave me
I take, content,
What He hath sent
His hand can turn my griefs away
And patiently I wait His day

Whate’er my God ordains is right,
Though now this cup in drinking
May bitter seem to my faint heart,
I take it all unshrinking
My God is true,
Each morn anew
Sweet comfort yet shall fill my heart
And pain and sorrow shall depart

Whate’er my God ordains is right,
Here shall my stand be taken
Though sorrow, need, or death be mine,
Yet I am not forsaken
My Father’s care
Is round me there
He holds me that I shall not fall
And so to Him I leave it all.

What Were You Thinking?

2011-10-25T23:13:00.002-05:00

The question that has daunted me since this spring.

I have asked for an answer to this question so many times I've lost count. I asked it expecting a pleasant answer - one that would make me feel good about myself. I asked it non-chalantly like you ask your best friend, "what are you thinking?" I've listened for the answer in every way I can imagine, but I heard no answer.

Until one night, when I felt betrayed by the One who would not answer. I felt betrayed by all those who could hear Him, too. And I convulsed like a snake shedding its skin, coiled up in a closet and wept alone. I had not felt that far from my Lord since I lived in darkness.

He sent the rainstorm and the thunder. He shook the skies with bright lightning, and rattled my windows with His thunderous voice. In the middle of the rainstorm, I screamed out at Him why He made me the way He did. I listed every fault I had, and every negative relationship resulting from my own failures. In my anger, I demanded an answer. Why would He ever make someone so destined to be miserable? Someone so hopeless? I howled out into the noise: "What were You thinking when You made me?!"

And He answered me. Not at all the way I knew to listen for, but in my mind's eye. I saw myself on my knees, all curled up in a little ball, singing. And I realized I was in the Most Holy Place in the temple. Deep in the heart of the sacred realm. Beyond the courts of praise and the gates of praise and the laver, and the holy place, and the curtain. I was sitting right in front of the altar, singing. And the Spirit of Jesus was hovering above me. There was a beautiful symphony of sounds rising up from all around - out in the outer courts, and up in the heavenlies. But I was the only one in that tiny room. Then suddenly, I wasn't there anymore. I was still looking at the room, but I was not in it.

I heard the voice of the Father coming from outside of this space - above it. He was asking Jesus a question, over and over again, and it got louder and louder as He approached the Most Holy Place. He said "where is Kaylor?"

Those three words meant more to me than I could ever explain. He was looking for me. He had gone out searching for me, because I was not where I was supposed to be - knelt before His altar, constantly sending up sweet worship to Him. He missed me in my absence, and He was concerned. He knew something was not right, because I was not where I was supposed to be. Where I was made to stay.

That was the answer to my question. That's what He was thinking. Since my creation, God had been trying to lead me back to the place I was created to dwell. In the Most Intimate Place of Worship, sending up sacrifice constantly. Pouring out songs like oil, and my heart like perfume. He covets it. He is jealous for it. He will stop at nothing to get it back.

Pure in Heart

2011-10-25T17:30:00.000-05:00

He is always with me

So I am never alone

Even when, in times of great turmoil

Everyone may have found their lives full

Even when no one has an answer to the profound complication

He is with me

His voice comforts me saying:

Do not go anywhere,

Stay right where you are

And you will be safe.

You will have my peace,

And I fill be able to perform miracles."

And He does. I have seen it.

When we can wrap our minds so around Him

That we really are able to

Forget the former things

And not dwell on the past

But regard the new thing He has springing up

He does perform miracles.

Nothing in Him is old

It is all always being made new.

And right.

It is difficult to really forget the former things

To unlearn what we have experienced

To let loose our dreams

Exepctations, and hopes

Like white balloons at a funeral.

But if we can deeply know

That He is good

Good, good, good, good, good, good

To His children

And that we ARE His children

We will desire instead the good things He has in store.

You cannot fill an old wineskin with new wine

And I long for the new wine now.

I cannot stay hiding in this old skin.

Nothing is impossible for You

If I let go of my own mistakes-

The dirt I clench so tightly in my fists-

Instead of planning my life around them,

The particles will swirl into the order You meant for them to have

Like the creation of Adam.

I will never guess what You're doing.

Your ways are too high

Your thoughts too magnificent

And I no longer need to know.

It is enough to know

That You love me

And You are good.

What I Should Have Sent

2011-10-24T23:58:00.000-05:00

There are two options here:

-I can tell you that I told you so, which would help nothing.

-Or I can tell you that Jesus really does deliver us from EVERYTHING. There is no such thing as "trapped." No such thing as permanently unfulfilled. No such thing as "this is the way it is, and the way it will always be." He is with you, and He is your Shepherd. He did not lead you into a bad place, and He will not leave you there. Have hope in the midst of this battle. Even if you wake up every day with dread in your gut, have hope. Find His promises and hold Him to them. "He has promised good to you, and His word your hopes secures."

Security

2011-10-24T23:24:00.000-05:00

My arch-nemesis. If there is a concept that has been the biggest hurdle in my life, it might be this one. Because I'm a freedom-lover and a security-needer. Security is something I hate but need.

I lived in denial of this most of my life. Because I never HAD security, and so I learned how to live without it. It was a feeble little life, but I could do it, and I was proud that I could do it. I resented all the girls in frilly dresses with big, strong daddies who never let them get hurt. I hated them in my heart, because they had never been afraid like I had. They had grown up with big, strong walls keeping them safe, so they could run free inside them. I had to learn to run free without any walls at all, and how to not fear the blind-siding that could and usually did ensue. I held a deep bitterness in my heart for all the girls whose daddies cared who they dated, and where they were, and what they'd been doing. I wanted that so much. I would even scheme up schedules where the boy I liked might possibly somewhow end up at my house when my dad was there so he would have to meet him.

I've been told that I cross the line too much, that I have a disregard for authority, and that I'm rebellious. But in my heart, that couldn't be further from true. I long for authority, and I long to please authority. I have always sought out leaders who will lay down hard boundaries and stand on them to make sure I don't run across them. Leaders who were not afraid of my will. Who understood my motives, and cared about me enough to be firm - even very firm - with me. There aren't many.

That's why it took God's full hand of discipline in my life for me to know that He loved me, and for me to want to follow Him. He is the Best Leader in the world for me. He has boundaries and conequences, and He is not afraid of my little will. He is gentle, but He'll speak harshly with me when He has to. He cares about me too much to let me run outside of the lines of His protection and love. He makes me secure.

Security and freedom feel opposite, but I'm beginning to think they're not. One merely leads to the other. If a person has never felt secure, she cannot ever be free. Freedom exists only within the confines of strong, secure borders. We're free within the borders of God's will, but outside of that, bondage sets in.

I have run after freedom my whole life without ever stopping to accept the security I was missing. Missing like one of my legs. And it's hard to run with only one leg.

First I learned to be open to it. I remember one of my friends in college berating me for not letting him help me carry at least one of the 40 boxes from my car up to my dorm room, as I struggled to get the door open all by myself. But people who have never had help don't even know to look for it, and certainly don't know how to accept it. I started letting people be nice to me.

Then I had to be still and wait for God to be my Father. The kind of Father who is furious with my enemy. The kind of Father who rescues me. The kind of Father who tells me exactly what he thinks of every boy I date. The kind of Father who tells me who I am, and what I will inherit. A secure inheritance.

And now, on the other side of this hurricane, I can see. I know why it didn't work. I know why I couldn't run to the other side of the globe at the drop of a hat, or stop crying my eyes out on all the adventures, or manifest the fullness of who I am in bold freedom all the time. Because you can't put the horse before the cart. Security first, then freedom.

You might not understand this if your family was whole, and simple, and good. You already have that bedrock to run on. And you should thank them for it every day.

Maybe this applies to everyone, but I don't know, because I'm female, so I think with a female head. And we all have this little girl inside of us who has to feel safe, or she's afraid. And afraid people are by definition, not free. Tenacity does not cast out fear. Bravery does not cast out fear. Strong will and determination do not cast out fear.

Love casts out fear. Love, love, love. We have to feel loved. We have to feel like our best interest is always being considered. Like our leader cares about us enough that if, in the course of us following after him, we twist our ankle on the treacherous ground, he will stop and tend to us. Not reprimand us for having weak ankles. Nobody will follow that guy anywhere.

And as all of this merges in my mind, the smoke clears and I can see that I need security. I was meant to have it. I GET to have it. And I am reaching a point where I WANT to have it. Because I will be loved. And I will be free.

The Lord's Day

2011-10-23T23:44:00.001-05:00

Sometimes things happen for a big reason, and sometimes they just happen for a little reason. I don't always know which is which, but I think some of each happened today.

I want a brave heart that doesn't flinch or blink. I want to stand in the icy wind and stare down my foes until they melt away.

I want a loving heart that gives away everything. Like a neverending Pez dispenser.

I want to learn things I never thought I could know. Like how to be happy for people when good things happen to them but hurt me.

I want a life with no earthly merit and all the eternal gain in the world. I need that brave heart to really receive that.

Good, Good, Good, Good

2011-10-22T23:36:00.001-05:00

God is SO good.

He holds me when I cry.

He promises me good things.

He doesn't let me settle for bad things. Or even less-good things.

He loves it when I choose Him.

He is a gentle leader (until a crisis hits, and then He's necessarily firm).

He never disregards my feelings.

He won't let me fear that He is not right with me.

I know what He has in store for me is good.

As Soon As I Call

2011-10-21T23:35:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how ever-present God is with me.

Overflowing

2011-10-20T23:26:00.002-05:00

"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book." Psalm 56:8

Every tear I cry He catches in His bottle and saves. How precious they are to Him, because they are born of the sorrow in me - His treasured one.

They are the sweat from the fire in me, burning hot enough to melt the dross off of my silver true-self. They are the fruit of so many nights fighting to find hope. So many days struggling to live a pure life, untainted by any pursuit aside from the exact will of my Father. So many moments of absolute confusion, when all I can do is throw up my hands and declare that I do not know the way I should walk, but the place I am in is unbearable, and I cannot stay. And there in the hard place, You tell me to worship.

Those tears are the truest worship I could ever supply. No words or thoughts or songs will ever compare to the kind of worship those tears represent.

There are so many bottles in my collection, and there will be so many more. And the broken will come to that well and drink from those bottles, and attain their healing.

With You, everything is life. Everything.

Destiny

2011-10-19T22:46:00.000-05:00

That's all You would talk about tonight. You were just on a soapbox about destiny. My purpose. The target for which this little arrow was crafted. It has been burned so indellibly on my heart that I can never forget. It is no more a whisper in the trees above me, or a faint memory in the back of my mind. It is the pounding hooves of inevitability.

I was made for the broken.

My heart wrenches for them. Because when He made me, the Lord anointed ME to bind up the brokenhearted, release the captives, comfort all who mourn, provide for those who grieve, bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair, rebuild the ancient ruins, restore the places long devastated, and renew the ruined cities that have been devastated for generations.

And it will come to pass for them the way it came to pass for me - through worship. Through the constant surrender that comes with living a life on the altar table. A big, bloody mess that is so pleasing to the Lord.

Oh, how You HONOR worship! Oh, how it stirs Your heart and pricks all Your compassion for us little ones! In the moments of disaster, when the whole world is falling down, we can CHOOSE to worship You. And when we do, You honor it with the most glorious display of Your love and power and goodness in our lives that I can scarcely believe it.

I LIVE to see others know this, Lord. I breathe every day because You have called me to do that, and I can do nothing else. You can have whatever You want from me - You can place me anywhere in life, take away every dream, keep me alone, move me to the desert, let my mouth go hungry and my reputation be destroyed - if after all of it, You would let my life accomplish this one thing - that I lead people to FREEDOM in WORSHIP.

Let it be done in me. Through my life.

2011-10-18T23:00:00.000-05:00

Nothing is all that scary when you really love. I guess that's what it means when it says "perfect love casts out all fear."

Song in Eb

2011-10-17T20:31:00.000-05:00

Nobody plays like you.

Dear God

2011-10-17T01:01:00.000-05:00

You are my joy that can never be taken.

You can have my WHOLE FREAKIN life.

Best. Day. Ever.

2011-10-16T23:46:00.001-05:00

I just had the best day of my entire year.

Jesus makes me happier than I have ever been. When the zeal settles, there is a peace beyond words.

Awesome God by davidbley

Simba and the Holy Spirit

2011-10-15T23:35:00.000-05:00

I went to see The Lion King with Ter-Ter-Bear in the theatre today! It was a wonderful experience, because I'd forgotten how allegorical it is (probably unintentionally) of the gospel.

-Wonderful, powerful, LION king has one son. Evil enemy to the king takes over the kingdom and brings death and destruction to all. Son comes back "as if from the dead" and beats him. Kingdom is restored.

Or you can take it another way, too:

-A child of the One True King, and heir to His throne, is deceived by the evil enemy to the king, and told he is a guilty, worthless creature. The child runs away from his past, and tries to disguise his pain in empty, worldly slogans like "just don't worry about it." A reminder of truth comes and confronts him with the truth of his true identity as a child of the king. Child returns to the land of his defeat and says "this is my kingdom. If I don't fight for it, who will?" Child defeats evil enemy through the power of the king who "lives in him," and raises a loud cry to signal the victory (roar=worship).

My favorite part is when Rafiki (whom Ter-Ter-Bear and I have decided is Melanie) shows him his reflection and says "see? [your Father - the King] lives in you."

Nothing Compares to You

2011-10-15T00:35:00.000-05:00

When God made you, He knew that no one else in the existence of mankind EVER would love Him the way YOU do. Nothing compares to you. That's why He would leave the 99 found sheep to go find that ONE that isn't living in His love.

He Walks with Me

2011-10-14T18:02:00.000-05:00

My favorite thing to do with a person is take a walk. I've never found anything more conducive to really getting to know a person than walking. If you want to know me, take me for a walk.

I walk a lot. I walk down the street when I'm on the phone, and sometimes I end up half a mile down the road, and wonder how I got there. When I feel distressed, I walk. When I need to organize my thoughts, I walk. When the day is beautiful, I walk.

Last night I felt very sad, so I decided to go for a walk with my Lord. I went to my favorite park very late at night and crossed the dewy lawn. I climbed the steps and looked out over the parking lot across the street. I asked my impossible questions, and waited for answers. And He answered me. He told me what to ask Him for, so I did. And when I did, I realized that what He told me to ask for was exactly what I wanted, deep down in my heart. I asked for it over and over again.

Then I sang Him a song, because it makes me so happy that He listens to me. And that He talks to me. That my floundering matters to Him. He has reassured me of His love in every way possible, and yet I still doubt Him. But He is ever-willing to reassure me again.

He is always able and willing to go take a walk with me, not matter what time of the day. I could not ask for more.

Break on Through

2011-10-13T19:05:00.001-05:00

Here are some true things:

-A stronghold is a place of refuge in times of insecurity.

-Everybody has at least one stronghold. Just think about what you do (or what you want to do) when you feel insecure about something, and you'll figure yours out.

-There is but one stronghold that is safe to run to. His name is Jesus. Psalm 27:1 "The LORD is the stronghold of my life— of whom shall I be afraid?"

-If you run to, or want to run to, anything else, that is a stronghold that must be broken.

-Breaking a stronghold is very, very hard. It almost definitely includes some moments where you feel insecure, but instead of running, you stay out in the vulnerable open. While you're out there, trying to brave the dark night, there are only a few things you can do while you wait for God to come save you. Worship is one of those things. It's my favorite thing.

-When you want to break through a stronghold, the battle will inevitably get harder as you come close to the end. When it does, and you feel like you're being strategically attacked from all sides, take heart. You most certainly ARE being attacked from all sides.

-All you can do, and all you need to do, is turn that worship music up louder than your thoughts, and shout it out until your battle is won.

-Worship is the battlecry.

Time for a List

2011-10-13T01:44:00.001-05:00

-I love my coffee table. It reminds me of my old roommate, and it makes my lair look so nice. And I can put things on it.

-I love going for walks.

-I hate cold weather because I can't go for walks anymore.

-I am absolutely determined to make my lair a place of joy and healing and growth. It is ever under the attack of becoming a place of defeat.

-My favorite place to worship is my car, on the interstate. If I had enough money for the gas, I'd just drive round and round the city every night, singing at the top of my lungs.

-Today is the 9,692nd day of my life.

-Sometimes I miss how I used to be, before Jesus started making me a healthy, balanced person. My heart had no boundaries at all, and it almost killed me. But I look back and see how foolishly and lavishly I loved people. I hope one day I'm able to do that again and not almost die.

-I wish I could tell the full story of my salvation to everyone I meet. But it's too personal to tell even my closest friends.

-I really like Joan of Arc. I want to be like her. But that means I can't get married. And there are days where I think that might be the point...

-I once heard someone say that "people don't like to hurt." It was in the context of assuming that hurting is an extremely necessary step to growth. It's true - we'll do just about anything to not hurt. But God doesn't provide anesthetic for our spiritual surgeries. Instead, He offers us worship.

-I want to be loved for the things I love about myself. Sometimes people love me because they think I'm cute. But I want to be loved because I'm brave.

-I have some of the best friends this world could ever offer. I only hope I'm as good to them. If you're listening, I hope you know I'd do anything for you.

-Unforgiveness is so silly.

-There are times where I feel the love of God so present in me I want to go up to everyone I see and tell them how wonderful they are. I used to actually DO it when I was drunk. But I don't drink anymore.

-Alcohol is silly too.

-I know that I have no idea what I really need. There are days I don't even know what I want.

-I will never stop praying for you. Not until you're free.

-Waiting is the hardest thing for me to do.

-Fall weather makes me think of college. And when I think of college, I ache. Because college threw me around like a ragdoll in a dryer. I long for a chance to go back and do it again as the new creation I am. Perhaps one day I will. Heaven knows Tuscaloosa needs it.

-I love music with all my soul. But I love Jesus with all my spirit. And most of the time, I find that if I listen to music I love, my soul has a feeding frenzy and my spirit loses the next battle. I can't afford that. So I almost never get to listen to the music I love.

-People are too far apart. Why do we live such separated lives? It's clear that no one REALLY likes it - otherwise we wouldn't have Facebook and cell phones and IMs and emails and video chats. We all have a deep longing for human connection, but our culture starves us to death.

-I don't know what's going on in my life. I'd be ok with this if no one else expected me to.

-I don't have a favorite candy, because they're all too good.

-Relationships were never meant to end. Any relationship that is designed to end is a man-made construct, or at least a sin-made construct, and we aren't built to deal with it.

-I think all men should learn carpentry. Or something that involves manipulating a natural element with their hands. It changes them.

-My mother has pneumonia and today she was outside digging in the dirt with a big shovel.

-I believe that love never fails. I believe it even though I've never seen it.

-The enemy knows the call on our lives. He will counter that purpose with an opposing force. I was called to be joyful. So I've struggled with depression all my life. Praise the Lord, depression is losing big time these days. It's losing because one day I woke up and told it to lose.

-I've pursued many different lives, but the one I'm living is good.

2011-10-13T00:37:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I wonder if it's possible to feel safe AND free at the same time. And if I have to pick one, freedom's gonna win every time.

Claiming What's Ours

2011-10-12T17:04:00.002-05:00

"We have been promised a kingdom inheritance, but there is ground we have to take in order to get it. When God gives you vision for a piece of spiritual ground, and you start walking toward it, the enemy will stand on it and dare you to take it. If we don't have to fight to take it, we won't have the strength to keep it. And we have ground we are meant to take." -Beth Moore

God's concept of inheritance doesn't work like ours. On this earth, all we have to do to inherit something is be born to the person that has it. Sure, there's the possibility that if you're a really terrible son or daughter, you might get written out of the will. But for most people, all they have to do is sit back and let their inheritance trickle down to them.

This is not the case with God. The inheritance He has promised to His children is far more precious than anything we can imagine, and that means it is highly coveted. Something that precious is not just going to go unnoticed and one day end up in our lap. We have an enemy named Satan who wants to take it from us.

It helps to think outside the box of the 21st century and go back to olden days when there were kings and wars for land and such. Just because a prince was born to a king didn't necessarily mean he could sit back and inherit a whole kingdom. He was most likely going to have to fight to keep it. And if he wanted any NEW land, he would not only have to go to war to win it, he would then have to fight to keep that land under his dominion, too.

Christ has been given all authority and dominion over every piece of physical and spiritual land that exists. But he enlisted US to go to battle for it. Like the princes and princesses we are, we have to go fight for the land we will inherit, and then fight to maintain it.
The battle will be difficult. Our enemy will want us to think that we will never, ever win, and we will never get to dwell in the land that we were promised. We will never get to experience freedom, or purity, or wholeness or joy while on this earth. But if we take hold of the promise God has given us to inherit His kingdom, we will overcome the enemy. We will reap every bit that we sow in this, and more.

2011-10-11T17:06:00.000-05:00

Joy follows obedience.

(and disobedience never leads to joy).

Evidence

2011-10-10T16:08:00.002-05:00

What is the necessary ingredient for a truth to make it from your head to your heart? By what pathway does something that we know to be true in our heads register as reality in our hearts?

The answer is PROOF. We need proof to understand that something is true. We can memorize truth all day long, but for us to walk around assured of that truth, we must have had some experience in which it was proven to us.

We are not always given this luxury. For example, a suspicious wife can KNOW that her husband is not cheating on her, but she may still experience life as if he is. She may feel an ache in her heart every day and worry and feel unloved because of the doubt in her mind that it is true. She may crave the one thing that would make the truth of her husband's fidelity a reality to her: PROOF.

This example is an earthly example. We as followers of Jesus Christ have a plethora of non-earthly examples that we have to deal with every day. We KNOW that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, that He was born of the Virgin Mary, that He lived a blameless life, died on the cross to take the full atonement for our sin, was raised on the third day back to life, ascended to heaven, sent His Holy Spirit, and now indwells everyone who calls upon His name for salvation. But how do we walk around like that is reality? How do we experience that truth as a reality on a daily basis? We need PROOF, and unfortunately, our proof ascended to heaven about 2,000 years ago. What are we to do?

Or take another spiritual example: We can read God's true and living word and hear that we can be free from spiritual bondage. Free from the old way of thinking that was governed by our flesh. Free to stop acting upon those impulses, free to stop thinking about them all the time, and free to stop feeling that old way, too. Free, free, free. But as long as that truth stays up in our heads, and doesn't translate down into our heart, and into our every day life, we will not experience that truth. We would need to have PROOF that it was true, by seeing it come to fruition in our life. And what are we to do in the meantime, while that work of freedom is happening, but has not yet come to pass?

We need proof. What are we supposed to do without cold, hard EVIDENCE of the truth?

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

Faith. Where there is no proof, there is FAITH. The word of God says that faith IS the evidence of those things unseen. It is the substance - the thing we hang onto - of all the things we hope for.

We do not live by sight, but by faith. That is the only way to live the supernatural lives God has called us to, because the world will only ever offer us natural proof. We need much, much more to live like children of an eternal God. We must have faith.

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings..." Hebrews 10:22

Growing Up

2011-10-09T16:02:00.001-05:00

Maturity is not on the top of people's lists of things they want to attain. Happiness, acceptance, even wisdom tend to rank a little higher. But I've realized lately that right now what God is doing in me is making me mature spiritually. What this looks like for me is having the inner strength and surety to be consistent in ministry even when I find myself in the middle of a crazy storm.

My soul has been in torment for a while now. It's dying, and it doesn't like it, so it screams and kicks all the more as it loses strength. But it has to die for the Spirit within me to triumph over it. This process of starving our flesh and feeding our spirit is really, really hard. I don't know why no one ever told me this growing up. People mentioned the whole two natures warring inside of us thing, but no one ever really emphasized how miserable it can feel. And no one ever explained that THAT is why faith is so important. Faith is that tiny little lighthouse beam barely peeping through the thrashing fog and ripping winds and torrential downpour that we find ourselves in in this storm. When all hope seems lost, faith is choosing to believe that there is land on the other side of this. Stable ground. A rock to stand on.

We're not promised much on this earth. We aren't promised a marriage or a family - in fact, we're told we'd be better on to not have one. We're not promised a nice house - in fact we're told that our Savior Himself did not have a place to rest His head. We're not promised fame and glory - in fact we're told that our lives must revolve around HIS fame and glory, and that the greatest man on earth shall be least in heaven. We're not promised comfort and ease - in fact we're told we will most certainly have persecution and tribulation and hardship.

But we ARE promised a whole heap of eternal things, that do not rust and cannot be destroyed or taken from us. These are our eternal inheritance. We're promised sanctification, character, righteousness, faith, hope, joy, victory over the enemy, everlasting life, freedom, honor, and my very favorite - the presence of God. That's my very, very favorite. Because it means that on this earth, in the middle of all the potential hardship, He is WITH ME. Inside of me, walking every step with me, crying every tear with me, celebrating every victory with me, listening to every word I say or even speak in my mind. He is ALWAYS with me, and He will be for all eternity.

Growing up spiritually means growing in the understanding of who we are in Christ. It means wrapping our heads around the idea that we are co-heirs of the eternal Kingdom, and we will inherit all that He has promised us starting RIGHT NOW. As I learn to grasp the love of Christ, and the way He is always with me, I become less affected by the things of this earth. They don't matter as much. They still hurt as much, but they don't MATTER as much. That means that when I'm feeling the affects of my soul dying, spiritual strongholds breaking, the enemy attacking, or whatever else might rage inside of me - I am still able to do the will of my Father. And what is the will of my Father?

 "Free those who are wrongly imprisoned; 

Lighten the burden of those who work for you,

Let the oppressed go free, 

and remove the chains that bind people.
Share your food with the hungry,

 and give shelter to the homeless.

Give clothes to those who need them, 

and do not hide from relatives who need your help."

(Is 58:6-7)

This passage was written to God's people before Jesus came, so it talks about a lot of tangible, practical things God wanted His people to do. But now that Jesus died on the cross and taken the keys to our chains away from our enemy, God's people can do so much more than that now, because of the Holy Spirit at work within us. We can free people who are in spiritual bondage, in addition to freeing those who are literally wrongly imprisoned. We can share the spiritual food of the gospel to those who are hungry for it. We can affect a person's eternity, and not just their life here on earth.

This is really important to God. I can tell, because of what He promises to those who are in tune with His heart enough to DO these things:

"Then your salvation will come like the dawn,
and your wounds will quickly heal.
Your godliness will lead you forward,

and the glory of the Lord will protect you from behind.
Then when you call, the Lord will answer. 

‘Yes, I am here,’ he will quickly reply.
...
Then your light will shine out from the darkness, 

and the darkness around you will be as bright as noon. 

The Lord will guide you continually, 

giving you water when you are dry 

and restoring your strength.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like an ever-flowing spring.
... 

Then the Lord will be your delight.

 I will give you great honor
and satisfy you with the inheritance I promised

to your ancestor Jacob."

(Is 58:8-14)

I am beginning to see those promises fulfilled in my own life as I do the work of my Father, even when I don't feel strong enough to do it. When we give our concerns to God, and take on His instead, He really does fix our own. And for me, being able to do His will consistently, in spite of anything going on inside my little life, means I'm growing up. 

Blog Re-dedication

2011-10-09T15:20:00.000-05:00

I've decided to start blogging more regularly. Writing is one of my favorite things to do, right after singing and just before dancing. I want to try to commit to posting something on my blog every day between now and 2012. It may just be one sentence every day, but that's my new goal. :)

Thrashy

2011-09-23T01:15:00.002-05:00

Dear soul,

Shut up.

-Spirit.

God Reads My Diary

2011-09-14T00:23:00.002-05:00

I keep a journal. I've kept one since I was 16, and I am now in Volume 31. I write a lot. I write about what I'm going through, how I feel, poems, songs, what I long for, prayers I need answered, what God is doing, who He is, what His word says, etc. Lots of stuff.

Every now and then I go back and re-read these journals. I don't do it often anymore, because sometimes it dredges up old feelings I don't need or want to rehash. But today I ended up in one of the old ones. The recent flood in my basement meant I had to take all of them off the bookcase to clean, and today I was putting them back. I had to look inside them at the dates, so I could put them in order, and one of them caught my attention so I read through most of it.

The journal happened to be the one leading up to and going beyond December 26th - one of the most life-changing days of my entire life, when God poured out His Holy Spirit on me in a way I'd never experienced. I had forgotten what it was like on the "before" side of that. I read some of the words I wrote leading right up to it:

Nov. 29 - "Holidays SUCK. I wish I could hide from them. I'm so lonely, and I guess I'll just stay that way."

Dec. 1 - "Times are hard."

Dec. 7 - "Little things are difficult to deal with. Big things seem like they will never get better."

Dec. 8 - "It's hopeless. My hope is crushed, and my heart is sick."

Dec. 12 - "I have allowed my mind to be darkened. To focus on satisfying the lusts of my flesh and my soul, and not the groanings of my spirit."

Dec. 15 - "All the idols in my life leave me crying on the floor with a pain I cannot bear."

Dec. 19 - "Christ is constantly stepping into messy-ness. We should expect Him most when things are messy."

Dec. 23 - "There is so much to pray for."

Dec. 26 - "The Spirit of the Lord will come today. I expect Him. I invite Him."

That last line gives me chills when I read it now. It was written just before the service where He DID come. He came, and changed everything. Not in the blink of an eye, mind you, but He catapulted me into a journey that day that has so dynamically changed me that I can't imagine writing those kinds of things anymore.

It was amazing to read the words on the page I'd forgotten I ever wrote. I'd forgotten I felt that way, described it that way, and prayed those things. But God didn't forget. Now here I am, on the other side of the miracles in which God answered my little prayers. Answered them just exactly like I wrote them down. Word for word.

I am often overcome by the understanding that God reads my heart like a book. He knows EXACTLY how I feel and EXACTLY what I long for. And He's good enough to do something about it, in His perfect timing.

Psalm 38:9 - "You know what I long for, Lord; You hear my every sigh."

A Rare Beauty

2011-06-15T23:55:00.007-05:00

Today Josh Garrels released a free album, and I set a new record for the quickest I've become obsessed with an album. I can't recommend highly enough that you go here download "Love & War & the Sea in Between" : http://www.joshgarrels.com/

By far, my favorite song is "Ulysses." Here is the lovely poetry of the lyrics, but you really have to hear this one to appreciate its breathtaking artistry.

____

I’m holding on to the hope that one day this could be made right
I’ve been shipwrecked, and left for dead, and I have seen the darkest sights
Everyone I’ve loved seems like a stranger in the night
But Oh my heart still burns, tells me to return, and search the fading light

I’m sailing home to you I wont be long
By the light of moon I will press on
Until I find my love

Trouble has beset my ways and wicked winds have blown
Sirens call my name, they say they’ll ease my pain, then break me on the stones
But true love is the burden that will carry me back home
Carry me with the memories of the beauty I have known

I’m sailing home to you I wont be long
By the light of moon I will press on
So tie me to the mast of this old ship and point me home
Before I lose the one I love, before my chance is gone
I want to hold her in my arms.
____

Thank you for blessing the world with your album, Josh.

The Tin Cans Tumblr

2011-04-16T00:22:00.001-05:00

My band, The Tin Cans, has a tumblr now! Aren't we fancy. If you do that sort of thing, consider following us :)

http://thetincans.tumblr.com/

Beautiful Day

2011-02-14T13:59:00.001-06:00

This is my Father's world and to my listening ears all nature sings, and round me rings the music of the spheres.

This is my Father's world: I rest me in the thought of rocks and trees, of skies and seas; His hand the wonders wrought.

This is my Father's world, the birds their carols raise, the morning light, the lily white, declare their maker's praise.

This is my Father's world: He shines in all that's fair. In the rustling grass I hear Him pass; He speaks to me everywhere.

This is my Father's world. O let me never forget that though the wrong often seems so strong, God is the ruler yet.

This is my Father's world: why should my heart be sad? The Lord is King; let the heavens ring! God reigns; let the earth be glad!

The One on the Throne is Good

2011-02-10T11:20:00.002-06:00

"If you devote your heart to Him and stretch out your hands to Him...you will lift up your face; you will stand firm and without fear. You will surely forget your trouble, recalling it only as waters gone by. Life will be brighter than noonday, and darkness will become like morning. You will be secure, because there is hope; you will look about you and take your rest in safety. You will lie down, with no one to make you afraid."
Job 11

You say "Come to me," though I must walk on water to get there. I cannot fathom how one walks upon the waves, but I can look at the One who calls me, and know that His heart toward me is trustworthy. His promises never fail, He will never forsake me, He is kind and gentle, patient toward my doubt, and the strength of my heart forever. So I can step out of the boat onto an unsure ocean, just because He said to. Just because He is the Ruler, and He is GOOD.

"I lean not on my own understanding.
My life is in the hands of the Maker of Heaven.
I give it all to You, God
Trusting that You'll make something beautiful out of me.
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
I know that I can trust You."
-Will Reagan and United Pursuit

Crushed

2011-02-03T09:50:00.003-06:00

When my enemy tells me that I am crushed, when I feel like I am dry dust, I will not listen to him. I will not believe in what I see or feel or hear that voice in my head say. I will defy the deceiver with Your word, Abba. I will use his words against him. I will say, though I feel crushed, The Word of the Lord says that "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” He saves me. “The righteous person may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all - He protects all his bones, not one of them will be broken…The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, and His ears are attentive to their cry.” Psalm 34. When my enemy thinks that he has won, because he has crushed my soul, I will declare that the Word of the Lord says “The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet” Rom 16:20. It is my enemy that will be crushed, not me. And my God says that one day He will make my enemies “come and fall down at my feet and acknowledge that He has loved me.” Revelation 3:9. Praise be to God that His word establishes reality. What You say is true, Lord, no matter what is before my earthly senses.

God is...

2011-01-26T22:44:00.004-06:00

Things I learned (or relearned) about *God tonight:

-God is not far away. He is always right there, sitting on the edge of your weeping-bed, waiting for you to throw off that sin and sorrow cloak and come curl up in His lap. He does not require you to do anything but run to Him in the name of Jesus.

-God makes all things new - new like they were in the garden before the fall. He restores woman's femininity when it has been taken. He gives it back to her like a gift.

-God has a different plan than we think. We think that we, in our self-righteousness, will be able to set a lovely example of how to live like God tells us to. He knows we have no such righteousness, and when we fail, He is there to give us His own righteousness, and make THAT our example to show others.

-God loves to hang out with us. He likes to be around His kids. He thinks we're funny, and interesting and He enjoys our presence. He likes it when we are all gathered around Him.

-God loves girls! He likes to come give us little trinkets and gifts, and braid our hair, and listen to our silly giggles. He is such a good Daddy. So good.

-God is a protector. He has a whole army of angels dedicated to helping us sleep through the night without nightmares. He fights for us, He surrounds us with His arms, He gets angry when we are attacked. And He makes our defeated enemy watch while He stretches out a table of blessings for us. So hah!

-God loves His church. He cares about all the little churches, and He lets us be unique, knowing we are all part of a big church called the Bride of Christ. And at my little church, Mosaic, He is about to break every chain that is around every person's neck, and set them free to dance in the joy of His love and freedom! His perfect love casts out the fear of His terrible power, because He is for us. He is safe to surrender to, and He is ready to break people out of bondage through worship. "We will go out in joy and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands. Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper, and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the LORD’s renown, for an everlasting sign, that will endure forever." (Isaiah 55)

Get ready, because His love is out to get you!

*(clarification: this is about the One True God, the God of Jacob, the God who came in flesh to earth in the man Jesus Christ, the God who pardons sins, the God who calls us sons and daughters, the God of the Bible, the triune God who was and is and is to come, the God who is jealous for our love, the God who is is righteous in His anger but extends mercy to those who call upon the name of Jesus)

Radiant

2011-01-05T23:20:00.002-06:00

Am I worthy of Your presence? You say I am hidden in Christ, but I know myself. Even if I am hidden, I know myself. How can I accept the holiness of God? How can it come to rest on me? Who am I that the glory of the Most High can settle on my unclean self? What authority do I have that I can look You in the face?

Because I have sinned against Him,
I will bear the LORD’s wrath,
until He pleads my case
until He upholds my cause.
He will bring me out into the light;
I will see his righteousness.

Then my enemy will see it
and will be covered with shame,
she who said to me,
“Where is the LORD your God?”
My eyes will see her downfall;
even now she will be trampled underfoot
like mire in the streets.

Do not gloat over me, my enemy
Though I have fallen, I will rise.
Though I sit in darkness,
the LORD will be my light.

Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.

You will again have compassion on us;
you will tread our sins underfoot
and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

....

Now have come the salvation and the power
and the kingdom of our God,
and the authority of his Messiah.
For the Accuser of our brothers and sisters,
who accuses them before our God day and night,
has been hurled down.

They triumphed over him
by the blood of the Lamb.

Darkness, you cannot hold me - my light is too bright.

Who is a virgin daughter of the king? The most protected, the most adored, the most set apart of all people. No one can touch her, no plots can come against her, because her father, the king, is so mindful of her. All the defenses of the palace would come to her aid at the hint of threat. She can do no wrong - she is too beloved. The king will not hear unkind words about her, and no case can come against her. His love will not allow him to believe it, and his decree will proclaim her innocence. He adores her, he clothes her in the most beautiful garments, he cannot stop showering her with gifts. His greatest delight is her attention and she runs to him with every need. She is his highest priority, and he will give everything to preserve her purity.

This is what You forsook Heaven for, this is why You took on flesh. This is why you bore the death I awaited. You are not merely willing to descend upon me like a dove, You are longing to do so. I am the purest daughter of the only King.

Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;no shadow of shame will darken their faces.

Without Ceasing

2010-12-18T16:40:00.002-06:00

There is no hope besides you.
Outside of you we are suffocating
Like flies in a glue trap
And we will not come to you

You have to break into my despair
and you have to crawl into his pit with him
You must deliver us from all harm
From souls so empty they eat their own lining.

I have prayed every way I know how
All that is left to say is that you must.
You must.
I will not stop begging until it is done.

oh, how I want to be a bride.
oh, how I want to look radiant in white,
I want to deserve that gown,
I want to be pure somehow,
Glowing in all of my glory because of your love.

Hallelujah to the Lamb
You're the only one who knows who I am.
Hallelujah my name's in the book
And you will give back all that my enemy took.

Jay-Z

2010-11-10T11:33:00.001-06:00

I just realized that many of my favorite memories include Jay-Z.

I would list some examples here, but I'm afraid it would just make me sad.

2010-09-27T08:56:00.001-05:00

Happy Birthday.

Truth

2010-08-04T22:37:00.004-05:00

I've dreamed about it three times now. It gets better every time, like its progressing. Like things are mending, smoke is clearing. I can only pray it's happening in real life too.

Hate is a vicious poison, and I don't understand it. I try to boil it down to its most basic elements. To things I have tasted before, but it is different. Entitlement is bitter. Heartbreak is the coldest peppermint - so cold it stings your throat. Jealousy, now that's the one that makes you vomit, like hot, sour milk. But hate? I don't know what that tastes like.

But I know it is fatal. There is no cure for that one. You can listen to a thousand counselors and read a thousand books and find a thousand distractions and listen to a thousands records. But there is no cure for hatred. It lies dormant in the body for years until a long-forgotten memory makes the putrid bile lay again on your tongue. And you will drown in it forever.

Except for the blood of Christ. Except that He bore all hatred, and all heartbreak and all pride and all envy when He gasped on the cross for breath. Breath is the presence of God, and He could not find it. He pulled that death onto Himself so that you could be free from it. His love is the antidote. His love does not ask what we have done, or what we think of ourselves, or how we have treated others. It just asks us to sit and be loved until we know that every atom in our makeup is known and cherished. Breath is the presence of God. I know you have breath in your lungs. They are cleaner now. Breathe.

Have You Seen This Poster?

2010-07-14T12:15:00.002-05:00

Long ago I had an excellent college poster collection. I had carefully sifted through countless poster sales, online poster shops, and mom and pop CD stores to find only the most beautiful images of my favorite bands. Then one day, when I was moving out of my dorm at Covenant, the container holding all of my precious posters disappeared when my back was turned. I was so sad. I tried to find all the posters again, but some of them were limited prints, and could not be replaced.

Now I'm an "adult." And "adults" do not decorate with posters, so it doesn't really matter that I lost all my beloved posters. But there was one poster, of my all-time favorite band that I would love to have. I have searched for years and years to find of large print of this image:

The Bealtes English Garden poster... but cannot find it anywhere. So if you see it somewhere, let me know. :)

Good Day

2010-05-06T15:32:00.003-05:00

Today I woke up early to go help Ms. Tracy get ready for the Mother's Day Brunch at school. I wore a dress, so I felt pretty. There was homemade cinnamon bread stuffed with cream cheese, and I got to bring home the extra. My kids sang the songs we've been practicing, and I was so proud. The mothers loved the Memory Books I slaved over, and they laughed at all the silly things their children said in the questionnaire. Nobody got in trouble today. I finished carpool 20 minutes early, so I went to my boss's office to look through curriculum for my teacher's pick unit: Around the World. She had read my mission trip update letter and was concerned for me. She spent about half an hour helping me brainstorm about fundraising options, and even offered to let me send home a schoolwide letter about donating. I felt cared for. Then I came home and ate homemade butterscotch haystacks I made last night, and decided to lay out in the sun for an hour and half. A dragonfly flew by and landed on the air conditioning unit.

It stayed there so long I thought I'd try to catch it, and I did!

The yard was just cut, and the honeysuckle smell is everywhere.

Twinkle cat pranced around beside me, and I listened to the newly mastered Tin Cans debut album on my laptop. Tonight I have a photoshoot for that album, which is the last piece before actually printing and releasing this masterpiece. Now I'm listening to my friend Duquette Johnston's album Etowah, and going to see him play live tonight at Bottletree.

But the best thing about today is the contentment I have. Sunday I finally decided to deal with all the terrifying skeletons in my pre-salvation closet. It was not a fun journey, arriving at this decision. The past month has been a constant barrage of attacks, reminders of my past, doubts about whether or not I am even new at all, and an overwhelming sense of shame. The things I want swept under the carpet and buried deep in the ground, the things that I refuse to think about because they are too painful, the things that make me feel wounded and evil whenever I am reminded of them - I am going to be free from all of that too.

"Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy;
no shadow of shame will darken their faces."
Psalm 34:5

The Ballad of Love and Hate

2010-04-22T00:24:00.000-05:00

Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can't wait to see you again.

Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.

Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
with a serious look on his face.

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
of the strongest stuff you can drink.

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
cause he might never see her again.

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.

Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry", and she says, "What for?
I'm your and that's it,
Whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm yours and that's it, forever."

You're mine and that's it, forever."

(-The Avett Brothers)

2010-04-10T00:12:00.001-05:00

I think there are few things to be honored more than a woman devoting her mortal life to bring joy to her husband.

Get Real

2010-04-05T22:44:00.000-05:00

There was once a culture in America that still exists in other parts of the world, and today I miss it. Well, actually I miss it almost all the time, but today I found it very frustrating that I'm not permitted to exist in this culture. Once upon a time daughters were considered to be very precious, delicate things to be treasured and cared for and guarded against ruffian boys. And ruffian boys were expected to grow up, mature, get a job, build a reputation, figure out who they are, and THEN choose a wife. This was necessary, because otherwise the keepers of these precious daughters (aka: Fathers) wouldn't let the ruffian boys anywhere near the girls. However, if a boy approached the father first, and the father sized him up and believed him to be worthy of marrying the daughter, the boy could introduce himself into her life as a suitor. If the boy did not do all the things on the list first, he would be too ashamed of himself to ask for the father's permission. And he should be. He ought to be ashamed.

How is a lady supposed to be convinced to accept a boy into her life who shows no signs of stability? Who doesn't know who he is, or what he wants in life? Who doesn't have a job, or a place to put her? Who has not one fan in her community, has made no attempt to impress or soothe anyone in that community? Who does not walk with the Lord so abidingly that he could successfully lead her and assume responsibility for her spiritual growth? Who does not respect her? Who does not desire her purity and protection? How utterly ridiculous for someone to ask for a hand in marriage before he can take it.

I am almost fully convinced that a male has no chance of accomplishing everything on the list before he is 30. I have seen very very few males do this. And therefore, I think they should be sent to some sort of rite of passage finishing school where they have to fight a bear or something before they are even allowed to think about asking a girl to yield all her trust to him. That's a lot to ask. And if a boy is not equipped to handle the situation, then he ought to be ashamed for even asking.

The Ides of March

2010-03-15T16:10:00.001-06:00

This is the darkest time

when the devoted grey pawns of Winter

lean in on the defenseless ground with all their fury.

They beat their fists against every bud

that threatens to bloom,

against every womb

that could bear new life.

Birds sit silent on the rim of the battleground

afraid to move

afraid to follow the gentle daffodils

who trust Spring so innocently,

but will shrivel in the bitter frost.

This is the perilous time

when the gnawing fears reach their zenith.

The minions are sifting the sands in the hourglass

with orders to penetrate

the minds of all who still hope.

while the sky blazes white with fire and thunder

roaring in awful victory at the rainsoaked

grass, bowed down,

bowed low.

But remember?

Before the black spirals of the oak will soften

into pastel gardens on every branch,

before the dandelion bulb can stab through the harsh ice

and explode into yellow firework petals,

the dirt must be salted, hardened

by pounding rain, freezing air.

And when it is iron,

when all the goodness beneath it is

encased in everlasting sunlightlessness

and the grey army appears to have sealed up every eye,

every ear that could await something good,

Then the warmth seeps up from the depths

under the doors and into the cracks of the dry ground.

The white mare of Spring rides in.

The feeble mare of warm wind rides in

with no trumpet,

blows over the sheathings scattered all around.

She wakes those who had stopped waiting,

and all the new things follow her.

Slow and Steady Wins the Race

2010-03-13T23:40:00.003-06:00

I want a Batman, so I can be a Robin. But then again, Robin is kind of lame. Maybe I'm more of a Tinkerbell, and I need a Peter Pan. Actually, I'd prefer to find a Batman, but I would still be Tinkerbell. Then Batman could fly!

Actually, "sidekick" really isn't the right word. I do love to assist in people's plans, help them generate and execute ideas, and generally contribute to the morale and energy level. But sometimes I have projects of my own, and I like similar help for those endeavors. So I need for us to take turns being the sidekick. What is that called? A dynamic duo? A companion? A partner in crime?

If I wasn't in debt, that would be a great job. To be a full-time partner in crime. Then again, if I wasn't i debt, my ENTIRE life would look different...

...

If I wasn't in debt, I would probably not live at home. I might not even live in Birmingham. I wonder where I would go, assuming I could be employed wherever I went? Nashville? Breckenridge? Hawaii? Somewhere in the French Vineyard Country? Actually, I'd probably go where I know people that I want to be around. So that limits things a bit. But for now, all my earnings go toward paying off debt, so I cannot afford to pay for my residence at all. Therefore, I will be living with my family for an indefinite while.

If I wasn't in debt, I would be free to make almost no money at all, because I don't require much at all to live. So I'd do something I really loved doing. Like write and record music, and hopefully even tour. Or maybe I'd write and implement children's ministry curriculum for churches. Or maybe I'd get over my fear and bitterness and go audition for a play or something.

If I wasn't in debt, I'd certainly be taking a lot of classes. Wheel pottery, calligraphy, steel guitar, and possibly regular guitar. And I'd attempt to locate and train with a new ballroom partner, so that I could recommence competing in ballroom competitions.

If I wasn't in debt, I'd cook a lot more too, because I would have more time in general, and I wouldn't be stressed out. I would bake at least one pie every week, because that's my favorite thing to make. I'd bake food for all sorts of people, and invite people over for dinner. And games.

If I wasn't in debt, I'd feel at least 200% lighter all the time, because this millstone around my neck would be gone, and I know it would never come back. Never again will I borrow money from my mother, use a credit card or even have one in the first place, or pay money for school. In fact, I hate debt so much that I intend to never own a car or house that I cannot first pay for in cash. Which of course means, that if I wasn't in debt, I'd have to go live somewhere where I can rent and ride a bike everywhere I need to go.

If I wasn't in debt, I would put a percentage of my earnings into a separate travel fund, and attempt to go visit someone every month, because almost all of the people I love live far away and I miss them. But I can never see them.

If I wasn't in debt, I'd go out west at least three times a year, because apparently Patty Griffin only tours in the west. And I'd want to see her perform at least three times a year.

...

But if I wasn't in debt, I'd look into this sidekick thing for sure.

Solution

2010-03-02T19:08:00.002-06:00

a passage from Job, the oldest book of the Bible. The earliest recording of an interaction between GOD and man...

9:33-35

Job says: "If only there were a mediator between us, someone who could bring us together. The mediator could make God stop beating me, and I would no longer live in terror of His punishment. Then I could speak to Him without fear, but I cannot do that in my own strength..."

(a few thousand years pass)

Enter: Jesus.

For Your Listening Pleasure

2010-02-08T22:15:00.003-06:00

The Tin Cans will be having our biggest show to date this coming Saturday, February 13th. We are holding a live album recording concert at 2nd Row Studio art gallery in downtown Birmingham at 7:30 pm. We will be playing a full-length show with the full 5-piece band and some other musical friends, and recording it to have it mastered into our debut album. We welcome you to join us for this very special night. $7 cash cover at the door. Please bring your own refreshments.

www.myspace.com/thetincans

Behold, He Makes All Things New

2010-01-20T00:00:00.001-06:00

I don't know why You want me, but I know You do. I have never been so sure. You have tended me like a garden since I was a little girl. I have not been easy to tame. I have been thick roots, undulating through the ground, stubborn. I could not be redirected. I could not be redesigned into another landscape. I have wound myself into unnavigable briars, coiling harshly around the precious heart. I have choked out my own sunlight, I have sapped my own soil dry, until nothing could grow. I was an irrevocable wasteland, and no one would brave me. No one could find me.

You have stood from afar, watching me wind myself into near death. You let Your sweet rain fall all around me, and I would not drink it up. You plotted how to refashion me. You made a plan for what I would be when I was nothing. And one day, You descended into the brambles and thorns - into the darkest place. You hacked and slashed at all my binds, You drove into my hardened earth and cut through the roots. You opened up my mouth and made me drink. You poured Your sunlight onto my dirt, and You caused seeds to burst forth. Seeds I did not know existed. Seeds You had been planting all along. You reached into the barbs, grabbed hold of my heart, and plucked it from the inhospitable center. You hold it close to You, safe from all things. It is saved. It is Yours.

For two and a half years You have lavished me with nourishment. You tend to me constantly - day and night. You work tirelessly to reestablish my roots, to straighten them out and cause them to grow in the right direction. You have beamed Your glorious, white light onto me without ceasing - I am always i the presence of Your radiant face.

I am a lush, green place for You to dwell. You are in me, all around me, You are the blades of grass and the sky overhead. You are my existence, my only treasure. I am amazed at Your work - I cannot but marvel at Your glory, that You would see fit to glorify Yourself through me. I am all Yours. You have everything, and I give You everything again and again and again, my Beloved Savior. You are all I want - my portion and my prize forever.

2009-12-12T11:34:00.002-06:00

I want to love you

like my Christmas cookies;

spreading over every flaw

with thick, forgiving icing.

Sometime

2009-11-24T00:14:00.002-06:00

I've got scratches on my elbow

From playin in the street

And yellow leather pawpads

From the walnuts under feet.

We were giants in the sunset

When our shadows stretched til dawn

We were liars in the hollow

When we found out you were gone.

My hair has gotten darker

There's lace around my knees

But I can't forget the way you'd scrape 'em up with me

No, I can't forget the way you'd scrape 'em up with me.

Repeat

2009-11-24T00:10:00.002-06:00

There are some days when there are so many words in my mind that I cannot listen to music with lyrics. In fact, I cannot even listen to different instrumental pieces. I put one song one, hit the repeat button, and for an entire day, that's all I know.

Mythical Creature

2009-11-23T23:38:00.003-06:00

I am a great-winged pegasus.

Each flap of my grey-white wings

Is so slow and strong,

Pressing through the air

Like oars in the river.

I am black hoofs pedaling,

nostrils pumping hot, angry air

And soft green eyes asking

Why.

I am timid when I spread my wings

You are so small, paper

So fragile and right beside me

And I might knock you down

Bowl you over

Your simple paper heart

Would rip into.

But I am gentle,

Powerful, and patient.

Waste

2009-11-23T16:13:00.002-06:00

Where are you, white blue cloud?

You were like a wind in August

Drying the sweat from my brow.

So soon it is Autumn, and you are cold.

To Faith, or Not to Faith....

2009-11-20T16:56:00.003-06:00

I touch with my body.

I think with my mind.

I love with my heart.

But I believe with my soul. Believe is so very overused these days. I can believe in Santa Claus, or believe it's raining outside, or believe in a particular hair product. I need a new verb. I need a verb that means "to have faith."

Our ruthless Enemy is so wiley. He can trick our bodies. He can trick our minds. He can even trick our sweet little hearts. But he cannot trick our soul.

There are some moments when all the evidence I can think of or see stacks up against believing that Jesus Christ is the Living Son of God, that He is full deity, that He loves us so passionately that He became a real man, walked on this earth, laid hands on real people, bled and died on a Roman cross, was buried, and that He rose again by the supernatural power of God the Father so that He would be the propitiation for all the sins of the world, so that man and God could once again have the most intimate fellowship and love. And I try to think my way out of the doubt. And I try to reason my way out, or emote my way out. But our Enemy is wiley. And then I know that all I can do is....that verb that doesn't exist. All I can do is faith.

And I faith, and I faith, and I faith with my soul. And that's all He asks us to do.

"For by grace you have been saved, through faith." -Ephesians 2:8

All My Best Epiphanies Come From the Bathroom Stall

2009-10-29T20:05:00.003-06:00

There is an entire genre of music that reminds me of Houston. And keep in mind, that any time the state of Texas crosses my mind, you do. But the music is really good. So I'm pushing through the pain, and I went ahead and bought Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix.

Oh, and it would be divine to hear something in response right about now. Not that I'm not accustomed to putting my heart on a wire. But I'm so tired of checking the mailbox.

I want to be on an adventure. I'm restless and anxious here. I want to be doing something else, somewhere else, where faith is easier to see and much easier to have. I am blinded by my comfy bed, my functioning car, my fifteen pairs of shoes, my pervasive culture of Christianity that in reality, has almost nothing to do with the life He led. I really want to be on that adventure that you planted in my head. It's grown into a big weed now, and it's wrapping its tentacles around my thoughts.

But I know that the Lord is sovereign. This is no surprise to Him, that I'm shy, and dependent on someone who is guaranteed to be mindful of me in a new and scary place, and that no one like that happens to be in my life. And I know that all He asks us to do is obey Him. He hasn't told me to go anywhere yet. Maybe He hasn't told you to, either.

I am so blessed. I can't begin to count them. I can't understand why the Lord blessed me so much. Why when He was hanging on that cross He thought about me, and all my sin, and nodded in acceptance of that burden. I don't know why He loves me so much. He loves me enough to withhold the easiness of having just what I think I want. I guess that means He has something planned for me.

By and By

2009-10-16T00:08:00.004-05:00

Here I have worked, and labored a while.

But labor is sweet if Jesus doth smile

When I am done I will go home

Where Jesus is smiling and bids me to come.

Oh, when shall i see Jesus and reign with Him above?

And from that flowing fountain drink everlasting love?

I'm on my way to Canaan

I'm on my way to Canaan to the new Jerusalem.

When shall I be delivered from this faint world of sin?

And with my blessed Jesus drink endless pleasures in?

I'm on my way to Canaan

I'm on my way to Canaan to the new Jerusalem.

(Sacred Harp)

Whoever You Are

2009-10-08T21:48:00.005-05:00

I want the twin connection.

I want to know what you're thinking when you're not even around me.

I want to know all the people you work with because of the time you spend telling me about them.

I want to call you to tell you about inconsequential things, like when unusually large crows are in the neighbor's yard, or when there's a new kind of cereal at Wal-mart. I want you to be excited with me about those things.

I want you to love people very much; so much that you come home sometimes and cry for them. I want to cry with you.

I want you to work very hard all the time.

I want you to be restless, and creative, and constantly express yourself. I want to be your audience.

I want you to love to eat, and I want to cook for you. I want you to love my food, and make yummy noises when you eat it, and scoop me up in your arms sometimes out of gratitude because you've found me in the kitchen. I want to spend my evenings cutting up produce while you tell me about the people you met that day, and what was on their hearts.

I want to go to restaurants and get so caught up in talking that I forget to eat my food. I want to sit on the same side of the booth with you, and I want people to stare because we are so different from most people - so intensely connected. So eager to be around each other.

I want you to be so incredibly excited the day we find out I'm pregnant that you jump up and down and call everyone you know and play the happiest music and sit down with me and praise the Lord for hours. I want you to do that for every one of our children, and I want there to be a lot of them. I want you to adore them with a fierce love and give up anything for them.

I want you to be cheerful most of the time, and I want you to inspire my optimism instead of my brooding. I want to inspire your courage and confidence and self-expression. That's what I want to do to you.

I want you to have big, idealistic ideas about things. And I want you to try to do them. I want to help you do them. I want you to come home and ask me to do specific things for you toward those ends. I want to follow your directions.

I want people to gravitate toward us because we are so joyful, and the centrifugal force of our two energies gets faster and happier and closer every day.

I want to be of one mind with you. I want that mind to be set on serving others and helping them and most of all, bringing joy to them.

I want to labor with you to make other people realize how free they are in the love of Christ. I want you and I to make people feel like being themselves, and I want us to advocate them and nurture their sense of self-worth. I want to invite those in need into our home and take care of them.

I want to be on a team with you - a team that works with absolute fluidity because of a deep sense of unity and peace and love. I want our team to be a strong force in our community to bring others around us together.

I want to encourage peace between rivaling individuals and I want to celebrate people with you. I want to be so connected to the community we are in that those around us become like family that we love unconditionally.

I want to do everything with you, pray for the same goals with you, worship the same Jesus with you.

I want to love you recklessly, and fuse everything I am with you.

Tired

2009-09-09T23:08:00.005-05:00

I'm tired of Facebook. Because every photo I have that I could set as my profile was taken by you. You are there, in every one of them, making me smile. You were there, meticulously editing them in photoshop. And you aren't even my Facebook friend. So I'm sick and tired of it. I need to take new photos.

I'm tired of not scrapbooking. Because to sit down and archive anything from the past two years of my life would require me sifting through hundreds of pictures, movie stubs, lunch receipts, and other odds and ends that remind me of you. I thought I'd feel brave enough to do that by now. But I'm not. I'm like that widow in Maine who wouldn't throw out her late husband's mail.

I'm tired of finding things every month. Last month I found that journal you gave me, that I never wrote in. Today I found the Valentine's Day gift I bought for months in advance to give you. But instead it found its way into a random box in the storage, and I found it today. I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of walking up my front steps from a weary day of carrying you around in my head, and wondering if maybe you are in town. Maybe your car is parked in my yard. Maybe you've come to say hello. I'm tired of this miserable fantasy. I want to come home in peace.

I'm tired of dreaming about you. I'm tired of waking up feeling like I really saw you. I'm tired of dreaming that you're marrying my friend or standing in the room, ignoring me. I'm tired of my mind making me feel like you were really there, being indifferent.

I'm tired of Page France, Damien Rice, and Dave Matthews Band being set to never play in iTunes shuffle. I'm tired of driving by Nomad Supply and feeling specially connected to it. I'm tired of meeting interesting artists and craftspeople who love Jesus, and not having anything to market to them. I'm tired of knowing exactly what you meant by Christian community NOW that you're not here anymore. I'm tired of weddings with bad photographers, and I'm tried of wondering whether or not to go to weddings because I'm afraid they'll have some rock star photographer from Houston.

I'm tired of feeling so heavy all the time. Like I have to force smiles. I'm tired of dragging my feet into the quiet house. I'm tired of remembering. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being stuck in this endless rut. I'm tired of the quandary.

I'm tired of the compounding realization of how valuable and precious you are. I'm tired of feeling so forgiving and patient, and knowing that it doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired of the waste of it all.

I'm tired of not knowing where you are, what you're doing, who you spend time with, where you live, what you do for a living, how your health is, what you were being prepared for all along,whether or not you even know yet, where the Lord is calling you, how much He loves you, what you're thinking. What are you thinking? How was your day today? I'm tired of not having you there to call and tell about all the amazing things the Lord is doing in my life. I'm tired of missing my best friend. I'm tired of missing my best friend. I'm tired of missing my best friend.

Worship Song of the Day

2009-09-01T23:53:00.002-05:00

Remember those walls I built
Well now they've come tumbling down
And they didn’t even put up a fight
They didn’t even make a sound
I found a way to let You in
But I never really had a doubt
Standing in the light of Your halo
I've got my angel now.

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had You're breaking
It’s the risk that I’m taking
I ain't never gonna shut You out

Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by Your embrace
I can see Your halo
You know You’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
And it’s written all over Your face
I can feel Your halo
I know it won’t fade away.

Now I can feel your halo halo halo,
And I can see your halo halo halo,
I can feel your halo halo halo,
I can see your halo halo halo.

It hit me like a ray of sun
Burning through my darkest night
You’re the only one that I want
And I’m addicted to Your light
I swore I’d never fall again
But this don’t even feel like falling
Gravity can’t forget
So pull me back to the ground again

It’s like I’ve been awakened
Every rule I had You're breaking
It’s the risk that I’m taking
I ain't never gonna shut You out

(-Beyonce)

The Falcon Cannot Hear the Falconer

2009-08-29T12:39:00.001-05:00

I am limbs flying, erratic

Whizzing through the freezing air in a

Big, black tornado.

The rushing cloud from Pandora's Box has

Swallowed me whole

I am in the thick of all things

Negative.

I have no defenses

Without You

I'm just a paper skeleton

Without You

Without You, I'm just the same

I haven't changed

I'm terrified and paranoid

Jealous and insecure

Depressed and haggard

I am full of putrid flames so that

Everyone gets singed.

Where is my joy?

Where is my contentment?

My thoughts are as numerous as scorpions

They swarm into my mind and I am paralyzed.

Even when I lie down to sleep

My dreams betray me

The morning light brings no new hope.

Battle this wicked army

Open Your mouth, and the storm will end

Whatever You speak, it is so

Speak peace into me

Speak joy into me

Speak solace

"In Your unfailing love,

Silence all my enemies and destroy

All my foes,

For I am Your servant."

Stupid Chick Flicks

2009-08-17T23:12:00.002-05:00

I want someone who will fight for me.

Who never judges me.

Who takes every opportunity to be around me, with an unending appetite for my company.

And He Tells Me I Am His Own

2009-08-02T23:22:00.005-05:00

I am the beloved, and He is the lover.

I am the responder, and He is the Initiator.

I am the leaf, and He is the Wind.

I am the lost, and He is the Seeker.

I am the sheep, and He is the Shepherd.

I am the little one, and He is the Hen.

Every move I make and every thing I do should be out of response to the profuse love He has poured out on me, and will continue to pour out on me all the days of my life. Nothing can ever separate me from that unstoppable love, that snatches all my sin away from me and swallows it, never to be mine again. He holds my hand, and He will not let me fall.

'Cause I have always been a lover
From before I drew a breath
And some things I love easy
And some I love to death.
You see, love's no politician
'Cause it listens carefully
So for those who come,
I can't lose one,
So you will be set free,

Go on and take My picture
Go on and make Me up
Oh, I'll still be your Defender
And you'll be My missing son
And I'll send out an army
Just to bring you back to Me.
'Cause regardless of your brothers' lies,
Oh, you will be set free.

Because I am My beloved's
And My beloved's Mine;
So, you bring all your history,
I'll bring the bread and wine.
Then we'll have us a party
Where all the drinks are on Me
And as surely as the rising sun
Oh, you will be set free,
Oh, you will be set free.

-Derek Webb (Lover)

Somethin' to Holler About

2009-08-01T15:35:00.003-05:00

I know that all we have ever done will one day be shouted from the rooftops for all to hear. And that used to frighten me, because there are some pretty awful things 'gonna be shouted. But today, I want to shout myself, because not only did Jesus obliterate that record of wrongs from my life, He made me a different person. So go ahead and scream - put my life up on display. I've got nothing to hide anymore.

Emmanuel

2009-07-30T12:37:00.004-05:00

I love reading through my blog posts. Not because I'm that interested in things I've written, but because I wrote so much for so long, and I have always strived to be brutally honest with myself on this blog. I have forced myself to really be introspective and frank about what I was feeling when I wrote the entries. And now, I can read back through my life and see the very present hand of God in my life, when I thought He was not there. I can read the ones where I feel so isolated and panicked and hopeless, and I see now that the Lord was on the verge of saving me. I can even read the blogs from the very month He did save me. I can see the transformation take place on my computer screen. And now, when I look at the person I've been molded into over the past 2 years, I can see what a labor He has done in me. I am so different than I used to be. And it's only been 2 years! It makes me so hopeful for the rest of my life, to see Him work at such a pace. And I have been unaware that it was even going on. He's been shaping me while I was sleeping. He's been molding me while I was crying. He's been polishing me while I was just sitting there, waiting. And I am so glad I have this silly little blog, which has turned out to be a better testimony than I could ever remember to tell.

Dr. Jekyll and Little Miss Kaylor

2009-07-28T22:40:00.005-05:00

There is a duality in me that confuses and confounds even myself, and I'm certain it's confusing to onlookers. It exists in my internal battle between the kind of girl I was nurtured into and the kind of woman I believe in. They are very conflicting, and I know that somewhere between them, there must be a perfect balance that I will one day settle into and BE. Or maybe I won't, and I'll always be grappling with this concept.

For all emotional, developmental purposes, I raised myself. And in the senses that I did not raise myself, I was raised by a single mom, with a strong personality of her own.

That being said, I was a VERY independent child. I was clever, bossy, and autonomous. I rebelled strongly against the female stereotypes set out for me - little girls, southern belles, sorority girls, cheerleaders, etc. I spent most of my life despising the notion of being grouped in with girly-girls, and I was decidedly a tomboy. I enjoyed being on my own, and would often push myself to achieve more things all by myself than I originally thought possible.

When I got older, this tomboyishness became a hot issue in my mind as I was faced with increasing societal pressure associated with romantic relationships, and how men and women are supposed to interact. I watched all the girls I refused to be like be intentionally pursued, adored and betrothed to the men around me. And of course, that made me rebel even more against the norm, because I felt unappreciated and unwanted. So I continued to develop the side of me that really likes to take charge, be a leader, handle everything, be the capable, brave hero in every situation.

But...as Jesus has pursued me, and I have started listening to His word...

It turns out that my interpreataitons of the Biblical portrayal of women are extremely conservative. And that, mixed with my intensifying love of the South has created a powerful conflicting nature in me that thinks it would be just perfect to be barefoot in a kitchen, taking dinner orders from my husband and tending to the littl'uns.

These natures do not harmonize. They are downright opposed. But they are both in me, and I express both of them simultaneously at times. One moment I can be standing up for some strong opinion I have and the next I can be frolicking around in my sundress, enjoying being naive and submissive. I do love dresses.

It's not as if I would ever be able to be one or the other. I have an intimidating, strong-willed personality that just won't be beaten into a thoughtless, sweet little housewife. But I believe strongly that God made women a certain way, and that way involves being delightful, adorable, and submissive.

So I'm not really sure what kind of person I am. But I suppose I'm already being it anyway.

2009-07-23T11:12:00.002-05:00

What I miss about you doesn't have anything to do with me.

A God After Girl's Own Heart

2009-07-21T16:09:00.002-05:00

As it turns out, it's very hard to surrender your life to Christ. I have very little in my life to surrender at all - no money (whatsoever), no job, no house, no husband, no ownership of anything, and no real hopes and dreams. I have been beaten down into a tiny crumpled piece of aluminum over the past year, and it doesn't seem to be looking up any time soon. There's still a recession, my heart is taking forever to mend, and I have nothing to boast in. I'm 24, I live with my parents, I'm single, and I work 15 hours a week at a fast food restaurant.

Which means I have been separated from an entire bracket of culture that cares about your reputation, your success, your clothes, your meticulously-planned events, your interior decorator's taste, your shiny new car, your Sunday best, and of course, your sculpted answers to "how's it going." Because I'm not going to lie - "it's going TERRIBLY."

But that's what the Lord wanted. Because my years or striving to be deemed worthy when I didn't have those things are pretty much gone. You can love me like I am or just quit talking to me. And a lot of people HAVE quit talking to me.

And before you think this is just a pity party blog, I have a whole new group of people who never bother asking me how the job search is going or when I'm going to move out of my parents' house or when I'm getting married. Because they know me in a much better way. They know what I love, and what I'm good at. They know how my walk with the Lord is going, and how to pray for me. They know how awful I used to be, and how the Lord revealed His love to me by saving me from myself. And I am far more content now.

But it's still really, really hard to give the Lord your life. I know this because He's already taken mine, and I'm still holding on to whatever I can grasp. This time in my life is very difficult, because He's asking me every day, all the time, to surrender. And I don't want to. I can feel my soul grappling with the Holy Spirit sometimes, but I'm not sure what I'm holding onto. And I have decided that it's this:

I have been lonely most of my life. I am desperate for intimacy - for people who KNOW me, and really listen to me, and really love me, in spite of my myriad of flaws. I have very few people who I can talk to, and there is a gaping chasm in me, longing for intimacy. And now that I am redeemed, I refuse to go about filling it in the destructive ways I once did, so I'm always trying to cultivate healthy friendships. But very few people are responsive to my honesty, vulnerability, and openness when I attempt to connect to them. So I'm left without someone to talk to.

That means I'm positively terrified of being alone again. Of feeling that incessant gnawing at my inmost being. And I won't let the Lord have by heart, because I'm afraid He will not show up the way He says He will. I have no reason to doubt Him, but I do. Because what if I surrender my whole self, and find out there's not a net to catch me?

I've been slaving over this for weeks now. I catch myself feeling lonely, and I immediately try to figure out how the Lord can fill that particular loneliness. The other day I was in Wal-mart, and they had rearranged it for the first time my life. The shelves are shorter, the departments are organized differently, and the whole layout is different. I wanted to call someone and say "Can you believe this!? They rearranged Wal-mart!" But after dialing about 20 numbers, no one had picked up their phone, and I felt so alone. No one was even available to tell this amazing news to. So I thought "ok, this is the feeling the Lord needs to help me with. This lonely feeling is the source of all my sin, and I have to let Him have it." So I started talking to Him about it. And I felt ridiculous. "Dear Lord of Heaven's Armies, did you know they rearranged Wal-mart? Of course You know, You see everything. Why am I even telling You this?" But I kept going, because I have no other choice. I have to figure out how to be closer to the Lord than to anyone. I have to come to understand that He really does love me, all the time, and in a very real way.

Yesterday a friend of mine said "Have you ever asked God what His favorite thing about you is?" And I thought "no, why would I? He doesn't talk back anyway." But when I got in my car, I prayed about it, and I realized that I can't hear Him if He's trying to tell me, because I don't believe He loves me enough to have a favorite thing about me.

I have to keep searching until I can believe He loves me that way. Until I can believe that the Creator of all things wants me to tell Him about my reaction to Wal-mart's new floor plan. And I find myself thankful for lonely opportunities to turn over to Him.

His Name is Jesus

2009-07-08T23:41:00.003-05:00

My Savior is sufficient.

Why should I despair in anything?

If I am anxious, because I have no finances,

He is sufficient to provide all my needs.

If I am hungry,

He is sufficient to feed me.

If I am in pain,

He is sufficient to heal me.

If I am lonely,

He is sufficient to comfort me. He sits right by me. He talks to me.

If I am lost,

He is sufficient to guide me.

If I am burdened with sin and guilt,

He is sufficient to change me.

Just looking at His face is enough to change me.

He is sufficient.

Doubt has no power over me,

I am bought by the King, and He is sufficient.

Depression had no power over me,

I have been found, and He will never leave my side.

Not even when I am desperate to escape Him.

Not even when I have set my face away from Him.

He has never forsaken me.

He bent His ear toward me, when I cried out to Him in my agony, and in my sin.

He heard me, and He rescued me.

He is sufficient to save me.

If I remember my past, and my sin, and I am overcome with sorrow,

He is sufficient to bring life into me.

He has made me a new creature.

He is sufficient to last me an eternity.

What more can I focus on? What more could I devote myself to?

He is enough, and there is nothing apart from Him - only emptiness and purposelessness.

He is sufficient to give me purpose.

He is sufficient to hold my attention.

If I never move another muscle

If I never speak another word

If I only sit in awe of Him

That is enough.

That is why I was created.

To behold the awesome God,

Seated high above the universe,

Spanning over all creation.

He is sufficient.

If I am unworthy to behold Him,

He is sufficient to make me blameless

To make me royalty in His kingdom.

If I am bound to sin, and unable to escape my own patterns,

He is sufficient to cleanse me from all unrighteousness

To break those bonds, and give me a new hope.

He is sufficient to set me free.

The King of Kings is worthy of all my praise, all my attention, all my love.

Praise be to the Lamb! The One who was slain for my sins!

Let all creation sing praise to Him! He is worthy!

He loves us, and He saves us, and He sets us on our feet.

He gives us faith when we have none,

He gives us love when we have none,

He gives us hope when we have none,

He provides all we could ever need to enjoy Him

To believe in Him

To live for Him

He requires nothing from us that He does not also provide!

He provides it all, and it is all IN Him.

He is sufficient.

Essays Inspired by Twitter

2009-06-30T17:45:00.003-05:00

1. went in to work at The Club

2. quit my job at The Club

3. Went by Moe's to tell them to start putting me back on the schedule.

4. Had lunch with Jenny

5. Got a Sno Biz (daily event)

6. Finished all my paperwork for grad school

7. Petted the cats

8. Dropped my car off at the car place, because my A/C wasn't working

9. Rode with my mom to UAB's campus to drop off some final paperwork for grad school

10. Compiled a list of about 50 schools to start badgering to hire me. (See "to-do tomorrow")

11. Polished all the silver in the house

12. Swang on the swing

13. Made this list.

To follow...

14. Eat

15. Laundry

16. Watch NCIS (daily event)

17. Play poker at Tim's.

18. Record music at Tim's.

19. Go to bed.

Happy Nothing

2009-06-26T18:16:00.002-05:00

I'm headed up to the River.

My most special place.

It's the annual Kaylor Family Reunion, and it would have been perfect: the weather forecast is great.

By the way, tomorrow is June 27th. I'm sure you forgot already.

Oddballs

2009-06-04T00:59:00.003-05:00

We are the strange ones

Warped through soggy filters

Supposed through peripheral glances

Held always at arm's length

Like a preying mantis.

We are the odd sheep out

Lurking, gliding through the flock

We float in and out but never

Belong

We are disconnected aliens

Masquerading as kin.

We are novelties and trinkets

The village idiots and clowns

Entertainment for the evening

Such a hoot to have around

But we are kept in fuzzy difference

Like a platter on display

We cannot disguise.

Honestly

2009-05-29T00:58:00.006-05:00

Sometimes absolutely everything reminds me of the sadness I've been sweeping under the rug. Every song, every TV show, every scent, every activity, every hour. And especially hard to ignore are the thoughts that grow louder and louder when I'm left alone to think. The thoughts reminding me that I'm back where I started - exactly where I started. And I hated that so much I moved a million miles away. And found you, you shining thing. You felt so safe and happy.

And now I've been kicked and shoved back here where I started. I feel like I'm being punched in the face over and over by life. Paycuts and heartbreaks and malfunctions and sleeplessness and strife and miscommunication and increasing distance between me and the only one able to make it ok.

I don't really want to be here. I don't want to be strong. It would be lovely to be like one of the blonde, tan, immaculately dressed wealthy girls whose daddies take care of everything, and who get to be carefree and desirable. There is not much demand for women who run their own lives, and there is nowhere to set mine down.

It wouldn't really be lovely at all. I just don't want to be here. I want to be where you are, whoever you are. I'll go wherever you go and help you do whatever you do. Just come get me, come want me, come seek me out among all the others, come realize how precious I am.

I like sad songs. Really pathetic songs, like old country tunes. They make me feel better, knowing that some person had a plight far worse than mine, and instead of moping alone, they wrote a nice little tune that everyone could mope to.

I also like depression era movies. Anything with Jimmy Stewart in it. Bread and circuses all day long.

I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. I have trouble writing these days because I feel like I should be putting it all to music. And sometimes it won't fit.

Sometimes when I take stock of all my dreams I want to cry. Because no matter what miracles take place, and no matter how tenacious I myself am, not all of them CAN come true. They don't go together. The little girl in me who is afraid of loss can't handle that, really. And so I get out my under-the-rug broom again.

I want something to pour my whole self into. There's an awful lot, and most things can't hold all of me. I'm an investor, a helper, an advocate, and I seem to keep coming up short of something to invest in, help or advocate.

Hello! I'm right here! I'm exactly what you are looking for! You just don't know it, because most of you silly male creatures think you want something totally different. Something easy and adoring, and helpless. Something naive and placating. You'll figure it out one day. Meanwhile, I'm just here. Trying to be content. Trying to figure out why 'm expected to live this life alone, partnerless, when it so obviously requires a partner. I have no misconceptions that I can do this alone.

24 is not that old. Except when you start getting compared to people who are increasingly younger and younger. Being put in the same category. I know why the old prudes feel the way they do. I know why they feel threatened and afraid. I know why they make life difficult for the young secretaries at work. I understand it all now. And it is not easy to rest in security outside of myself. It's not easy to trust the Lord, when it really, truly takes a miracle.

Miracles are becoming more and more necessary. Part of that whole growing in faith thing I prayed for, I guess. One day I will be full of faith, Hallelujah.

I am learning a balancing act, and I am falling down a lot. Learning to balance being two things, or trying to be two things. A grown woman, a respectable, put-together lady who is extremely capable. And a little girl, like the ones that get so much attention from the boys my own age. How old to they have to be before they start appreciating wisdom? How old do I have to be before I'm actually wise?

I am finding that all I have to go on is the truth, and the truth is, I can't seem to be anything other than what I am. So it doesn't really matter what kind of females are stirring up the most proposals. I'll just have to wait for that ONE who wants exactly me.

I Left My Heart in Texas

2009-05-28T17:15:00.001-05:00

Dear whoever is listening,

I want to talk about how much I miss Houston.

I miss the Fiesta grocery store down the street, where they played oldies, and we would dance in the aisles.

I miss the washateria where I would do laundry with all the Mexican women and their very loud children. I miss the man that owned it and would give us free ice cream if he was there.

I miss my roommates from the little yellow house. They would play the Smiths every night, and dance around the living room with their daschund, Arnold.

I miss Arnold. I miss his yowling that could be heard 2 blocks down.

I miss my inflatable bed that I lived on for 4 months.

I miss the street I lived on. I miss walking down it and I miss the coffee shop where they knew my name and my order.

I miss the heat.

I miss Fatou, and her consignment fashion museum.

I miss the restaurant where I worked, and the staff. Even the witch who cast spells on the weather. I miss the Zen Buddhist who ate sushi with me sometimes.

I miss the little house I lived in in Little Mexico.

I miss Kate and Killian. They were splendid roommates.

I miss the front yard where I painted my furniture.

I miss my pottery studio, and I miss the way the clay felt in my hands.

I miss the shady street where the photography studio was. I miss running up to the red door.

I miss the Guadalupe River.

I miss my church, and I miss Voddie Baucham’s sermons and all the homeschoolers who befriended me. I miss their pot luck lunches, and spending all day out of the city at the Seventh Adventist church where they met.

I miss the weird modern house by Rice, and I miss house-sitting there and the strange feeling it gave me. I miss the dog that wouldn’t let me pet her.

I miss feeling independent.

I miss being independent.

I miss being a part of a community.

I miss my dorm room at Teach for America institute.

I miss singing karaoke with the TFA’ers and getting free bar tabs because of it.

I miss Browning Elementary. I miss Janess and Noah. And even Brittany.

I miss being a part of something bigger than myself. I miss being a part of a team.

I miss Houston a lot today.

I just wanted to get that off my chest.

Lessons

2009-05-17T16:25:00.004-05:00

I wonder how many times in my youthful immaturity I put my own selfish needs and security over the relationships in my life. It's hard not to - we're all such fearful creatures. But I am grateful that the Lord has worked in me enough to make me see when I would be choosing anything at all over someone I love. And I pray that He will do the same for you. Lord knows nothing any man or woman says will actually be heeded by a teenager. But perhaps His voice will be.

Conspiracies and Backstabbing

2009-05-16T14:34:00.003-05:00

^{Psalm 9

1} I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
I will tell of all your wonders.

² I will be glad and rejoice in you;
I will sing praise to your name, O Most High.

³ My enemies turn back;
they stumble and perish before you.

⁴ For you have upheld my right and my cause;
you have sat on your throne, judging righteously.

...

⁷ The LORD reigns forever;
he has established his throne for judgment.

⁸ He will judge the world in righteousness;
he will govern the peoples with justice.

⁹ The LORD is a refuge for the oppressed,
a stronghold in times of trouble.

¹⁰ Those who know your name will trust in you,
for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.

...

¹¹ Sing praises to the LORD, enthroned in Zion;
proclaim among the nations what he has done.

...

¹³ O LORD, see how my enemies persecute me!
Have mercy and lift me up from the gates of death,

¹⁴ that I may declare your praises
in the gates of the Daughter of Zion
and there rejoice in your salvation.

Ghost in This House

2009-05-06T14:35:00.001-05:00

I don't pick up the mail
I don't pick up the phone
I don't answer the door
I'd just as soon be alone
I don't keep this place up
I just keep the lights down
I don't live in these rooms
I just rattle around

I'm just a ghost in this house
I'm just a shadow upon these walls
As quietly as a mouse I haunt these halls
I'm just a whisper of smoke
I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
You took my body and soul
I'm just a ghost in this house

I don't care if it rains
I don't care if it's clear
I don't mind staying in
There's another ghost here
He sits down in your chair
And he shines with your light
And he lays down his head
On your pillow at night

I'm just a ghost in this house
I'm just a shadow upon these walls
I'm living proof of the damage
Heartbreak does
I'm just a whisper of smoke
I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
You took my body and soul
I'm just a ghost in this house.

-Alison Krauss

2009-05-01T10:54:00.003-05:00

When the calls and conversations
Accidents and accusations
Messages and misperceptions
Paralyze my mind
Busses, cars, and airplanes leaving
Burnin' fumes of gasoline
And everyone is running and
I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay.

Monkeys on the barricades
Are warning us to back away
They form commissions trying to find
The next one they can crucify
And anger plays on every station
Answers only make more questions
I need something to believe in
Breathe in sanctuary in the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay.

Children lose their youth too soon
Watching war made us immune
And I've got all the world to lose
But I just want to hold on to the

Easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The easy silence that you make for me
It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me
And the peaceful quiet you create for me
And the way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay for me
The way you keep the world at bay.

Easy Silence
-Dixie Chicks

Cutest Little Love Song

2009-04-20T10:18:00.003-05:00

The continuing adventures of my Pandora Exploration:

1-2-3 Apple Tree by Herman Dune

Oh, when you call me weird names and make all kinds of weird faces
when you drive me along to all the stupidest places
you know it's not fair, but you know what you do
because you know how bad I like to be with you.

And then you're like, "it's like one, two, three"
as you're climbing barefoot on the apple tree
it is as sweet as me, and as good as new
and you know how bad I like to be with you.

You should try to go to some place, honey,
where the weather is hot, and the music is funny
you should try down south, by the magic Bayou
and you will know how bad I like to be with you.

It's like the better path, and it's a better way
if we never part, and if we never stray
if we know we have each other to hang on to
and if you know how bad I like to be with you.

When I'm home alone, and when I'm traveling far
when I'm riding my bike and when I'm driving in my car
it could be England or it could be Peru
and you would know how bad I like to be with you.

Well you know better than me on all kinds of topics
like what fruit is native, what fruit is exotic
you know the right names for flowers and for animals too
I hope you know how bad I like to be with you.

Well, you play the trumpet and I play drums
you smoke cigarettes and I chew gum
you say we're different and I believe it's true
because you know how bad I like to be with you.

It's not even an option,it's not a matter of choice
I could say it with words and I could say it with my voice
I could sing it in a song or play it on a kazoo
and you would know how bad I like to be with you.

You say you dye your hair black since you were seventeen
and you say it goes well with your eyes so green
well, I'm losing my hair and my eyes are blue
you know how bad I like to be with you.

And now you think you're puzzled and you don't understand me
well you can play me as easy as a DVD
it's like solving a case with a single clue
to know how bad i like to be with you.

You know I'll always like you no matter what
and if you get a little chubby, and if you're a little too fat
if you worship Jesus when I am a Jew
then you will know how bad I like to be with you.

And you know how people shorten other people's names to show their affection
like if you called me Ray, if my name was Raymond
well your name ain't Susan but I would call you Sue
to show you how bad I like to be with you.